Marriage Enrichment

Being Thankful Changes Everything

2011-08-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Being Thankful Changes Everything

Lysa TerKeurst

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

I sat on the bed, tears streaming down my face, negative thoughts racing through my mind … Why does marriage have to be so hard sometimes? Why can’t he see my side of things? Why won’t he change? Maybe I married the wrong man.

This was a scene repeated over and over the first five years of my marriage. I was discouraged, overwhelmed and so tempted to give up. But here I am about to celebrate my 18th wedding anniversary so thankful I didn’t walk away.

Ephesians 6:12 was a great reminder to me over the years that my husband isn’t my enemy. Art may feel like my enemy but the truth is Satan is the real enemy who hates marriage and schemes against my husband and me. One thing we must always remember is Satan’s goal to be one who casts something between two to cause a separation.

Satan wants to separate us in every way. He wants to separate us with conflict, hurt feelings, misunderstanding, and frustrations of all kinds. He wants to separate us from our neighbors, our friends, our co-workers, our parents, our spouses, our kids. He wants to separate us from God’s best. He wants to separate us from God.

One of the best ways for Satan to start these separations is by luring us into a place of grumbling and complaining. If he can get us to focus only on what is aggravating and negative in life, then little cracks of distance start forming in our relationships. The grass starts looking greener everywhere else except where we are standing.

I can see this so clearly when I look back on the first five years of my marriage. Somehow, I became so hyper focused on all I felt was wrong with my husband, I became blinded to all that was good. I grumbled and complained and nagged and set out to change him. And I almost destroyed my marriage in the process. Satan had a field day as the separation between Art and I kept ever widening.

Then one day as I was in a fit of tears asking God to make things better, I felt challenged to start listing out things about Art for which I was thankful.

It was hard at first. I had bought Satan’s whispers that there was only negative there with very little positive to find. But, with each positive quality I listed, it slowly changed everything. It was as if the clouds of negativity lifted and I could once again see his good qualities. There were so many good qualities; I was shocked how I’d gotten so blinded.

How sad I spent five years thinking the grass would be greener with someone else. Not true. The grass is always greener where you water and fertilize it. And being thankful –really intentionally listing out things for which we are thankful– is a great way to start watering and fertilizing and changing everything.

Dear Lord, thank You for helping me see how beneficial it is to be aware and appreciative of the good qualities in those I love. Lord, help me to recognize Satan’s schemes and combat them with the power of having a truly thankful heart. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
What are you thankful for today? I am inviting each person who reads this to stop and take time to list just a few things for which you are thankful by hopping over to my website. Each person that leaves a comment on my website today will be entered for a chance to win a copy of my book “Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl.”

http://devotions.proverbs31.org/2010/08/being-thankful-changes-everything.html

BE THANKFUL

B e thankful for everything
E xpressing our gratitutde

T o God who has given us Jesus Christ, Saviour
*H elp us to stop grumbling, complaining
A ppreciate the positive
N ow
K now, recognize Satan's schemes & wiles
F ree us from our anxieties, Lord
U nto Him bring our petitions
L et us with thanksgiving present to God
GIVE THANKS!

Sing to the tune of "Give Thanks"

Capture Her Heart

2011-08-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Capture Her Heart – For Husbands to read

A truly fulfilling marriage involves two people focusing on each others’ needs rather than their own. Lysa TerKeurst, president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, has written a practical guide for each spouse that will open their eyes to the needs, desires, and longings of the other. She offers eight essential criteria for capturing the heart of your spouse, with creative tips on how to accomplish them. Having a great marriage takes time, creativity, and willingness. Capture His Heart and Capture Her Heart are excellent tools to help spouses run this very worthwhile race.

Order now from Proverbs 31 Ministries and help support this vital ministry for women.
Endorsements

“Lysa TerKeurst gives husbands the “inside scoop” on women. Practical, personal, and precise – a book men will read with passion.”

Capture His Heart

2011-08-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

Capture His Heart – For Wives to read

A truly fulfilling marriage involves two people focusing on each others’ needs rather than their own. Lysa TerKeurst, president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, has written a practical guide for each spouse that will open their eyes to the needs, desires, and longings of the other. She offers eight essential criteria for capturing the heart of your spouse, with creative tips on how to accomplish them. Having a great marriage takes time, creativity, and willingness. Capture His Heart and Capture Her Heart are excellent tools for couples to do together, in a small group setting, or even for pre-marital counseling.

In this book you will learn how to:
Increase the creative romance with your husband.
Embolden your husband to confidently overcome challenges.
Build a deeper level of life-long trust in your relationship.
Understand how God empowers and protects your marriage.

Order now from Proverbs 31 Ministries and help support this vital ministry for women.

http://lysaterkeurst.com/capture-his-heart/

The Five Languages of Apology

2011-08-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

The Five Languages of Apology

New York Times best-selling author Gary Chapman teams with counselor Jennifer Thomas in an eye-opening study of one of the most important yet least understood pillars of human relationships: the apology.

Those of us who aren’t perfect need to know the anatomy of a complete and genuine apology if we want to sustain healthy, whole relationships—or restore broken ones. The authors analyze the five basic languages of apology: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness.

If you receive an apology that omits your apology language, chances are you won’t fully accept it or even recognize it as an apology. Learn the techniques to effectively recognize and deliver apologies and watch your relationships thrive as a result.
The Five Languages of Apology

We are experts at wronging each other, but when it comes to setting things right, we all could use some help. New York Times best-selling author Gary Chapman teams with counselor Jennifer Thomas in an eye-opening study of one of the most important yet least understood pillars of human relationships: the apology. Surprisingly, saying “I’m sorry,” isn’t primarily a matter of will—it’s a matter of how.
Expressing Regret

“Expressing Regret” is the Apology Language that zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and shame for causing pain to another person. For those who listen for “Expressing Regret” apologies, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for. There is no need for explanation or “pay back” provided the apology has truly come from the heart. “Expressing Regret” is a powerful Apology Language because it gets right to the point. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all, “Expressing Regret” takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, “Expressing Regret” is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. The “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.
Accept Responsibility

It is very difficult for some people to admit that they’re wrong. It makes them doubt their self-worth, and no one likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, as adults, we must all admit that we are sinners and that we will make mistakes. We are going to make poor decisions that hurt our mates, and we are going to have to admit that we were wrong. We have to accept responsibility for our own failures. For many individuals, all they want is to hear the words, “I am wrong.” If the apology neglects accepting responsibility for their actions, many partners will not feel as though the apology was meaningful and sincere. Many partners need to learn how to overcome their ego, the desire to not be viewed as a failure, and simply admit that their actions were wrong. For a mate who speaks this apology language, if an apology does not admit fault, it is not worth hearing. Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak, and admitting that you make mistakes. Though this may be hard to do for some people, it makes a world of a difference to your partner who speaks this language.
Make Restitution

In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards apologies. They believe that in order to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who’s been hurt simply wants to hear that their mate still loves them.

There are many effective ways to demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each mate must learn the other’s love language in order to complete the act of restitution. Though some mates may feel a though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that may not necessarily work for all mates. Every mate should uncover what their partner’s main love language is (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) and use that specific language in order to make restitutions in the most effective way.

For a mate whose primary apology language is making restitutions, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry”, or “I was wrong”, your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate and have a desire to right the wrong-doings committed.
Genuinely Repent

For some individuals, repentance is the convincing factor in an apology. Some mates will doubt the sincerity of an apology if it is not accompanied by their partner’s desire to modify their behavior to avoid the situation in the future.

It’s important to remember that all true repentance begins in the heart. A mate must feel poorly for hurting their loved one, and rely on God’s help in order to truly change. Admitting you are wrong creates vulnerability. It allows your mate to get a glimpse of your heart. The glimpse of true self is assurance that the apology was sincere.

One important aspect of genuinely repenting is verbalizing your desire to change. Your mate cannot read your mind. Though you may be trying to change inside, if you do not verbalize your desire to change to your mate, most likely they will still be hurt.

Many people have problems with repenting when they do not feel as though their actions were morally wrong. However, in a healthy relationship, we often make changes that have nothing to do with morality and everything to do with building a harmonious marriage.

It is also important to make a dedicated plan for change. Often apologies involving repentance fail because the person never set up steps of action to help ensure success. A person must first set goals for their change. After you create realistic goals, then you can start implementing a plan to change. Taking baby steps towards repentance instead of insisting on changing all at once will increase your chances of successfully changing your ways.

It is important to remember that change is hard. Constructive change does not mean we will immediately be successful. There will be highs and lows on the road to change. You must remember that with God’s help, anyone can change their ways if they are truly and genuinely ready to repent.
Request Forgiveness

In some relationships, a mate wants to hear their partner physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that their mate recognizes the need for forgiveness. By asking forgiveness for their actions, a partner is really asking their mate to still love them. Requesting forgiveness assures your mate that you want to see the relationship fully restored. It also proves to your mate that you are sincerely sorry for what you’ve done. It shows that you realize you’ve done something wrong. Requesting forgiveness also shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended mate. You are leaving the final decision up to your partner – to forgive or not forgive.

Requesting forgiveness is not easy. It often leaves one vulnerable to the fear of rejection. Along with the fear of rejection is the fear of failing. Many people have a hard time seeking forgiveness because it means admitting that you have failed. The only way to overcome this fear is to recognize that it is very common amongst mankind. The commonality makes it okay to be a failure. It allows a stubborn mate to apologize to their partner and become a healthy individual.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and DEMANDING forgiveness. When we demand forgiveness, we tend to forget the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice the offended party is supposed to make. Demanding forgiveness takes away the sincerity of asking for it.

Remember not to treat forgiveness lightly. It is something to be cherished and appreciated. The act of forgiveness is hard on both ends – for the person who’s asking and for the person who’s accepting.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-languages-of-apology/

The 5 Love Languages

2011-08-27T16:03:00.001-07:00

The 5 Love Languages

With more than 30 years of experience as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman has heard it all. He has helped couples at every stage of marriage and at pivotal points in their relationships—from those just discovering the joys and trial of marriage to those who are ready to call it quits.

After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.

Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Since The 5 Love Languages® debuted in 1992, over five million copies have been sold, making The 5 Love Languages® a perennial New York Times bestseller. But numbers don’t measure the influence the book has had on couples and their marriages.

The 5 Love Languages® has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good.

The book has been translated into more than 40 languages and is healing marriages around the world!
The 5 Love Languages®

What if you could say or do just the right thing guaranteed to make that special someone feel loved? The secret is learning the right love language! Millions of couples have learned the simple way to express their feelings and bring joy back into marriage: The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman’s New York Times bestseller!
Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

2011-08-27T15:39:00.001-07:00

Marriage

1. How can I get him to really talk to me?

Take “baby steps”. Don’t overwhelm him by saying, “I wish you’d talk more.” He can’t respond positively to that. It comes across as condemnation. Begin by asking questions, little questions, and be content to get little answers. He has to crawl before he can walk. When he gets used to hearing his own voice, then he can talk more.

Become a good listener. When he talks, give him your undivided attention. Don’t respond to his ideas with condemnation. Rather, say, “That’s an interesting idea, how do you think that would work if we applied it to our lives?” Give him your opinion, only if he asks for it. If he finds that he gets a sermon every time he shares an idea, he will stop sharing his ideas.

After a few weeks, try the following: 1. Ask if he would be willing to have a daily “sharing time” in which each of you shared two things that happened in your lives today and how you feel about them. If he complains that these times are taking too long, then set time limits, such as no more than ten minutes each. 2. Try sharing a book. Find a book that you think would be of interest to him and ask if he would be willing to read a chapter each week and you will read the same chapter. At the end of the week, each of you will share with the other one thing you liked or learned from the chapter.

Above all, don’t condemn him for not talking. Create a climate where it is safe for him to talk. For further help see Desperate Marriages, chapter seven, “The Uncommunicative Spouse”.

2. When do I address my spouse’s irritating habits, and when do I “let it go”?

Because we are human, we are different. Some of these differences can be terribly annoying. I believe you should find a way to address these and ask for change. But begin with yourself. I suggest that once a week, you ask your spouse, “What one thing could I change in my life that would make life better for you?” Then to the best of your ability work on making that change. After a few weeks of this, your spouse will likely begin asking you the same question. Now you have a chance to ask for change, but never more than once a week.

Remember, you cannot make your spouse change. However, you can create a climate where change is a way of life. Arguing, demanding, and manipulating are not positive ways to seek change.

3. How do I nurture a spiritual relationship with my spouse when I don’t feel comfortable praying out loud?

Pray together silently. It’s simple: You hold hands, close your eyes, pray silently and say “Amen” aloud so your spouse will know you are through. Continue to hold your spouse’s hand until he/she says “Amen”. If you will do this for six months, one night one of you will slip up and pray out loud. You will have broken the sound barrier and from then on you will pray out loud. But even if you never pray out loud, it will help your marriage to pray silently. If you sit together in church you can also hold hands and pray silently as the pastor leads in prayer.

4. We are both working full time and when I get home, I start dinner but my husband comes in and sits on the couch. How do I encourage him to participate in household chores?

Set fire to the couch! Then hand him the fire extinguisher. Do this every two days for one week. He will no longer sit on the couch. Well, that’s one approach, but not one that I recommend. Nor do I recommend yelling at him and calling him a lazy slob.

All of us have patterns of behavior, which we have developed through the years. Some of these are helpful to the marriage (for example your starting dinner), and some are detrimental to the marriage. The problem is, we are not always aware of what these are until they are brought to our attention. But how you bring them to your spouse’s attention is the important thing.

I suggest you initiate a “marriage improvement month.” Say to your spouse, “I’ve been thinking about us, and I don’t want us to drift into a dead marriage. I don’t want to just be an ordinary wife. I want to be an exceptional wife. Would you be open to giving me one suggestion each week for the next month on how I could be a better wife? I would give you one suggestion on how you could be a better husband, and both of us could grow. Would you be open to this?” If he is, then you are on the road to positive change. One of those weeks, you can share with him what you would like him to do when he arrives home. He will not take it as nagging, because you have made it a part of your month of improvement.

If your husband agrees to give you a suggestion each week, but is not willing to take a suggestion from you, I would encourage you to go for it. Before the month is over, I think you will see a change in his attitude.

5. My spouse is not a believer, but I am. How do I cope with this?

Here, we have clear biblical teaching. In I Peter 3:1-6 wives are encouraged to win their unbelieving husbands to the Lord not by preaching to them, but by demonstrating the Christian life of love and service. Ask God to help you be the best possible wife. Learn your husband’s love language. Find out what makes him feel respected and appreciated. Minister to him as though he were Jesus. (See Colossians 3:23). In due time, he will ask why you treat him so well. Be honest, and don’t take credit for being such a nice person. Give God the glory and say to your husband, “I must be honest, I don’t see myself as a loving person. By nature I am selfish, but every day I ask God to fill me with His spirit of love. You are the most important person in my life, so I figure the place to start is by loving you. Does that make sense to you?”

Listen to his response and you may be into a genuine conversation about spiritual things. Don’t push your husband, but let him know that your greatest desire is that he will come to know Christ as his Savior. Your godly example, coupled with your daily prayers, is the best way to influence your husband.

6. My spouse professes to be a believer, but I see no fruit in his/her life. What should I do?

Two possibilities exist: your spouse is not a true believer, or your spouse is an immature believer. In either case, you may be God’s chief agent in helping your spouse. If your spouse is not a true believer, then my answer to the question above may be helpful. If your spouse is an immature believer, then the one thing you don’t want to do is condemn him/her for being a spiritual infant. In the physical realm, we don’t criticize babies for being babies. The same is true in the spiritual realm. We expect baby Christians to be baby Christians. What we try to do is to help them grow little by little. Don’t expect too much too soon. Babies must drink milk before solid food.

If you were trying to help someone else grow from an immature Christian to a mature Christian, what would you do? I think you would begin by praying for them daily. Then I think you would expose them to simple Bible study materials. You would invite them to study groups designed for young believers. You would not force them, but you would make “spiritual food” available to them. If there is spiritual life, there will be spiritual hunger. When food is offered, some of it will be accepted. If your spouse continues to show no interest in spiritual matters, then I would treat him/her as an unbeliever, and seek to demonstrate the Christian life, while praying for his/her salvation.

7. I found out my husband is addicted to pornography. Where do I turn?

Pornography can be very destructive to the marriage relationship. It is not acceptable behavior, and must not be condoned by the wife. I suggest you let your husband know that you are very disturbed by his involvement in pornography. Tell him you are willing to go to counseling with him in order to deal with the problem. If he indicates that he will not go for counseling, then inform him that you will go alone, because you love him too much to do nothing about this problem. Then find a Christian counselor and let him or her help you take steps to encourage your husband to deal with the issue. Your husband is not likely to break this addictive pattern without the help of a pastor or counselor. He may not go to a counselor without steps of tough love on your part. A pastor or counselor can help you take these steps.

8. I have tried, but I really don’t enjoy sex. I am just doing it to be obedient. What can I do?

Lack of interest and enjoyment in the sexual part of marriage is a common problem. Usually such lack of enjoyment is rooted in one of several factors. Sometimes it is rooted in sexual abuse as a child. Adults who were abused as children almost always struggle with sexual fulfillment. Sometimes it is rooted in the way the couple handled sex before marriage. For example, individuals who felt taken advantage of sexually before marriage, or felt forced into a marriage because of pregnancy, will often struggle with sex after married. Sometimes it is rooted in the way the spouse handles sex. Crude words or behavior with little attention to the spouse’s concerns may emotionally turn the other person off to any interest in sex.

The best thing you could do is to find a Christian counselor with expertise in this area of counseling and begin to identify the problems and look for solutions. Sex is an important part of marriage and must not be ignored. I would also recommend the book, The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner, published by Word Publishing.

9. We got married because I was pregnant and now I feel like I have made a big mistake. Can I get a divorce or do I have to stick it out? If so, where do I start?

Your assumption seems to be that you have only two alternatives: stay in the marriage and be miserable the rest of your life, or divorce and be happy. I suggest that there is a third alternative which offers far more hope: work to build a successful marriage. Many people get into marriage in less than ideal circumstances, and yours was pregnancy. For others it was drug dependency, emotional dependency, dreams of getting out of a bad home situation, misguided romantic feelings, and any number of other factors. Getting off to a rocky start or getting married for the wrong reasons does not mean that you cannot have a good marriage.

Any couple can build a successful marriage if they will seek God’s help. God will bring healing to past failures, and supply hope for the future. The Scriptures lay down the principles for building a godly marriage. Christian books based on Scripture can be extremely helpful. Christian pastors and counselors are also available. Use the resources God has provided and yours can become the marriage you always wanted. See The Five Love Languages for practical help in learning how to love each other.

10. How can I get her/him to have sex more often and make sure we both enjoy it?

Finding mutual sexual fulfillment is a process. It does not happen automatically. God told ancient Israel to take the first year of marriage and learn to pleasure each other (Deut. 24:5). One of the best ways to learn is to expose yourself to good information. I suggest that the two of you read one chapter per week in the book The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner. At the end of the week, discuss the ideas presented in the chapter. The goal is to understand male and female sexuality, and to discover how to pleasure each other sexually.

Your attitude should always be one of love, looking out for each other’s pleasure. Share your desires with each other, but never force any sexual expression on your spouse. How often your spouse desires sex will be influenced by how you treat him/her. Open communication in an atmosphere of love will lead to mutual sexual fulfillment.

11. After being married one year, I’m not sure I’m “in love” anymore. Where could we have gone wrong?

This is the same question I was asking the first year of my marriage. I had been told that if you are really “in love” it will last forever. I was misinformed. The fact is that the emotional obsession, which we commonly call “falling in love,” is a temporary experience. Research indicates that the average life span of this “in love” phase is two years. Since we fall in love before we get married, most couples are coming down off the high within the first year of their marriage. We no longer feel those warm bubbly feelings, and we no longer think that our spouse is perfect. In fact we are realizing that we are so different, and we are wondering, “How did we ever get together?”

Then begins the second and more important phase of love: learning how to speak each other’s love language. My book The Five Love Languages has helped thousands of couples make this transition. The basic idea is that each of us has a primary love language. Almost never does a husband and wife have the same love language. In order to keep emotional love alive after we come down off the “in love” high, we must learn to speak each other’s language. The five love languages are words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. Once you make this transition, you will each feel loved, and you will hardly even miss the “in love” high. Your emotional love tank will be filled by your spouse’s regular expressions of love. To discover your primary love language, see The Five Love Languages.

12. I recently got married, but have been on my own for many years. How do we build a life together? How do I submit to my spouse’s decisions after making my own decisions for so long?

In this question, you have hit upon one of the big differences between being married and being single. As a single, you do what you want to do when you want to do it. As a married, that is impossible. Why? Because “two have become one”. It is no longer “your business” and “my business”, but rather “our business.” Now you must consider how your actions will affect your spouse. Now you are ready to learn what the Biblical concept of love is all about. Love is looking out for the other person’s interest.

This doesn’t mean that you must spend every waking hour together, but it does mean that you must keep each other informed. You are now a team, and team members must work together. It is not a matter of one making all the decisions. Rather, it is making decisions together so that each of you feels good about what is happening. If all of this seems costly to your independence, you are correct. Intimacy and independence are mutually exclusive.

13. My husband is in a position of authority within the church. I feel uncomfortable sharing my struggles with anyone at church and feel so alone.

Then go for help outside the church. Christian counseling centers are available in most cities. Even if you have to drive an hour or so, it is time well invested. A counselor can help you assess your situation and decide what steps can be taken. It may eventually involve your husband and perhaps the church leadership, depending on what is involved, but you need not start there. It is often easier to begin with a counselor outside your church. Don’t allow your fear of embarrassing your husband to keep you from getting the help you need.

If your problem is not a serious problem involving your husband, then perhaps you can develop a friendship with some wife in another church. She can serve as a lay counselor and help you assess your situation. Many churches have lay counseling programs and could link you up with such a person.

14. My husband/wife is emotionally abusive. My friends are all telling me not to stay. When is it okay to leave?

Emotional abuse, which is often the result of verbal abuse, seldom goes away with the passing of time. Neither is the problem solved by simply leaving your spouse. You need a plan and support system to help you take constructive steps of tough love. My book Desperate Marriages is written for people who are in difficult marriages. The theme is helping you to be a positive change agent in such a marriage. Tough love may eventually require a temporary separation, but this should be done as a therapeutic move, not as an act of abandonment. Such a step should never be taken without the guidance of a Christian counselor or pastor. Don’t try to do this on your own. Reach out for the help of those who are professionally trained and have had experience in helping others in such marriages.’

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/oldevents/faq/q-a-marriage/

2011-08-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

5 Steps to Building Your Christian Marriage

2011-08-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

5 Steps to Building Your Christian Marriage

By Mary Fairchild, About.com Guide

How to Keep Your Christian Marriage Strong and Healthy
Step 1 - Pray Together:

Set aside time each day to pray with your spouse.

My husband and I have found that first thing in the morning is the best time for us. We ask God to fill us with His Holy Spirit and give us strength for the day ahead. It brings us closer together as we care for each other every day. We think about what the day ahead holds for our partner. Our loving affection goes beyond the physical realm to the emotional and spiritual realm. This develops true intimacy with each other and with God.

Perhaps a better time for you as a couple might be just before you go to bed each night. It's impossible to fall asleep angry when you've just held hands together in God's presence.

Tips:
Pray these Christian prayers for couples.
Learn these basics to prayer.
Step 2 - Read Together:

Set aside time each day, or at least once a week, to read the Bible together.

This might also be described as a time of devotions. About five years ago my husband and I began setting aside time each weekday morning to read the Bible and pray together -- a couple's devotional time. We read to each other, either from the Bible or from a devotional book, and then we spend a few minutes in prayer together.

We've had to commit to rising from sleep about 30 minutes earlier in order to do this, but it's been a wonderful, intimate time of strengthening our marriage. It took 2 1/2 years, but what a sense of accomplishment we felt when we realized we had read through the entire Bible together!

Tip:
Find out how spending time with God can enrich your life.
Step 3 - Make Decisions Together:

Commit to making important decision together.

I'm not talking about deciding on what to eat for dinner. Major decisions, like financial ones, are best decided as a couple. One of the greatest areas of strain in a marriage is the sphere of finances. As a couple you should discuss your finances on a regular basis, even if one of you is better at handling the practical aspects, like paying the bills and balancing the check book. Keeping secrets about spending will drive a wedge between a couple faster than anything.

If you agree to come to mutual decisions on how the finances are handled, this will strengthen trust between you and your partner. Also, you won't be able to keep secrets from each other if you commit to making all important family decisions together. This is one of the best ways to develop trust as a couple.

Tip:
Check out these top Christian books about marriage.
Step 4 - Attend Church Together:

Get involved in a church together.

Find a place of worship where you and your spouse will not only attend together, but enjoy areas of mutual interest, such as serving in a ministry and making Christian friends together. The Bible says in Hebrews 10:24-25, that one of the best ways we can stir up love and encourage good deeds is by remaining faithful to the Body of Christ by meeting together regularly as believers.

Tips:
Discover practical advice on finding a church.
Learn what the Bible says about church attendance.
Step 5 - Continue Dating:

Set aside special, regular times to continue developing your romance.

Once married, couples often neglect the area of romance, especially after the kids come along. Continuing a dating life may take some strategic planning on your part as a couple, but it is vital to maintaining a secure and intimate marriage. Keeping the romantic love alive will also be a bold testimony to the strength of your Christian marriage.

Tips:
Consider these great ways to say "I love you."
Learn 4 simple ways to rekindle intimacy.
Read this tribute to my parent's love.
Conclusion:

These 5 steps require real, committed effort on your part. Falling in love may have seemed effortless, but keeping your Christian marriage strong will take ongoing work. The good news is—building a healthy marriage is not all that complicated or difficult if you're determined to follow a few basic principles.

Tip:
Find out what the Bible says about marriage.

http://christianity.about.com/od/practicaltools/p/christianmarria.htm

The Power of a Praying Wife

2011-08-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

The Power of a Praying Wife
By: Stormie Omartian
More in Power of Praying Series
Harvest House Publishers / 2007 / Paperback

Bestselling author Stormie Omartian inspires women to develop a deeper relationship with their husbands by praying for them. The Power of a Praying Wife---now with a fresh new cover design--- is packed with practical advice on praying for specific areas of a husband's life including his decision-making, fears, spiritual strength, role as father and leader, and his faith and future. Every woman who desires a closer relationship with her husband will appreciate the life illustrations, select Scripture verses, and the assurances of God's promises and power for their marriage.

Publisher's Description

Stormie OmartianÂ’s mega bestselling The Power of a PrayingÂ® series (more than 8.2 million copies sold) is reÂ–released with fresh new covers to reach a stillÂ–growing market of readers eager to discover the power of prayer for their lives.

Bestselling author Stormie Omartian inspires women to develop a deeper relationship with their husbands by praying for them. This encouraging resource is packed with practical advice on praying for specific areas of a husbandÂ’s life including his
decisionÂ–making
fears
spiritual strength
role as father, leader
faith and future

Every woman who desires a closer relationship with her husband will appreciate the life illustrations, select Scripture verses, and the assurances of GodÂ’s promises and power for their marriage.

http://biblegateway.christianbook.com/the-power-of-a-praying-wife/stormie-omartian/9780736919241/pd/919244/1252070208?event=CF#curr

Tips to Romance Your Husband = 1 - 10

2011-08-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

Tips to Romance Him # 01

Admit when you are wrong and be willing to say, “I am sorry, will you forgive me?”

Tips to Romance Him # 02

Arrange for both you and your spouse to take a day off--and then do something you enjoy together.

Tips to Romance Him # 03

As he heads out for work, give him a passionate kiss. If he wants to know what it was for--tell him it’s the appetizer for tonight’s menu.

Tips to Romance Him # 04

Be a student of your spouse. Know his likes and dislikes, his strengths and weaknesses, and his fears.

Tips to Romance Him # 05

Before your next day at the beach, prepare a special message in a bottle for your loved one. Hide it in a place where the two of you will come across it as you lead him on a walk.

Tips to Romance Him # 06

Blindfold your husband and “kidnap” him. Take him to a hotel room where you have prepared a romantic tryst.

Tips to Romance Him # 07

Bring him a surprise from the grocery store--a magazine, a candy bar or whatever else will let him know you were thinking about him.

Tips to Romance Him # 08

Buy him that CD, DVD, book, or video game that he’s had his eye on.

Tips to Romance Him # 09

Buy your guy a leather-bound journal and write inspirational and romantic quotes, thoughts and love notes for him. As you journey through life together, continue adding new thoughts that affirm your love and respect for him.

Tips to Romance Him # 10

Circle and star a location on a map, then tape the map to the fridge. When he asks, just smile and wink--but don’t tell. On the appointed day, drive him to the location and either have a picnic or just make out.

America's Number One Problem

2011-08-04T09:15:00.001-07:00

America's Number One Problem
Our nation suffers from a sickness in its soul.
by Dennis Rainey

As a people, we are healthier, but not happier. We are drenched in knowledge, but parched for wisdom. The most prosperous nation the world has ever known suffers from a sickness in its soul.

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the state of the family. The biblical values that built our great nation-once passed on from each generation to the next as a national treasure-are now dismissed. As a result, never before have we seen such deterioration in our homes:

Never before have so many children grown up in broken homes.

Never before have so many new married couples come from homes split by divorce.

Never before have so many new parents begun the journey of being called "Mommy" or "Daddy" with such a fractured picture of family.

Never before has the definition of marriage been altered to allow for two people of the same sex.

Never before have our prisons been so full of men who grew up in homes where their fathers were absent.

Never before has the Christian family been so secularized.

Never before has the marriage covenant been viewed with such contempt by a generation of young people.

Never before have parents been ridiculed for seeking to raise children with biblical values.

Never before has it been so culturally unfriendly to be a family with convictions, standards, and boundaries.

Never before have so many Christians laughed, shrugged their shoulders, or done nothing about adultery, divorce, and sin.

Never before have so many been so silent.

Never before has materialism been so flagrantly embraced over relationships.

Never before have we needed enduring models of how to live out a marriage covenant.

Never before has the family been in such need of a new legacy.

The spiritual reformation of America needs a focal point, a rallying cry. I believe this focal point is the family. The pivotal national issue today is not crime; neither is it welfare, health care, education, politics, the economy, the media, or the environment. The issue today is the spiritual and moral condition of individual families.

Perhaps you, too, have lamented the degenerating state of our nation's families. But like many, you have felt a sense of hopelessness--that our culture is sliding downhill and there's nothing you can do about it.

But you are wrong. You may not realize it, but you-and millions of ordinary people like you-are the key to reforming this country.

I am convinced, as never before, that we need a spiritual reformation in this country. And that reformation must begin--can only begin--with individuals. With me. With you.

Nations are never changed until people are changed. The true hope for genuine change in the heart lies only in the life-changing power of Jesus Christ. Through Him, lives can be rebuilt. Through Him, families can be reformed. Through Him, society can be restored.

It's time for this generation to make a stand for the family. I would like to challenge you to consider two things:

First, determine what type of legacy you want to pass on to your children. How will your children remember you? As a man or woman who was concerned with the things of this world, or someone who modeled a life-changing faith in Jesus Christ?

Second, determine to become part of a generation that makes a dramatic commitment to rebuild the family. The time has come for this generation to draw a line in the sand that will not be crossed, to build a wall around the family that will not be breached.

My prayer is that God will work in your heart and give you the courage and strength to leave a true, lasting legacy in your home and in our nation.

50 Ideas to Inspire Your Husband

2011-08-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

50 Ideas to Inspire Your Husband
A wife has the unique ability to help her husband feel the freedom to reach his fullest potential as the man God has created him to be.
Janel Breitenstein

There’s an old joke about one of our presidents walking with his wife, who sees one of her old boyfriends in a less-than-glorious occupation. The president looks at the old boyfriend and remarks, “If you hadn’t married me, you might be married to that guy.”

The first lady answers calmly, “If I had married him, he’d be president.”

Now, occupation is not the measure of a man. But as a wife, you do possess a unique power to inspire your husband. Your loving vision of the man he’s becoming propels him toward greatness—not necessarily by the world’s yardstick of success, or even your own, but of God’s.

When you believe in him, he is secure. He can take the leaps of faith required to surmount fear. He can bear up under pressure, pioneer new territory.

An inspired husband feels the freedom to reach the fullest potential of the man God has created him to be. He’s not merely encouraged. He’s a man who’s empowered; a conqueror. If you want to give your man some “wind beneath his wings”… start here.
Send him an e-mail. Example: “Praying for you today. Thanks for being so courageous in ___.”
Give him one night on a regular basis to do something he loves.
Consistently mention ways you see him growing to be more like Christ.
Initiate great sex.
Ask him about his “bucket list”—the top list of things he’d like to do in his lifetime.
Give him a book or audio CD to learn about something he loves doing.
Ask him about some dreams he has—and pray about them together, evaluating them. Then ask how you can help him go after them.
Text him on a stressful day. Example: “REMINDER: I BELIEVE IN U.”
Make sure he feels respected by you.
Leave sticky notes in his lunch, on his steering wheel, in his briefcase, etc. “So proud of all you’ve been doing with ___”. “You are so great with our kids.” “You are my dream come true.” “You are an incredible lover.”
Suggest that he take some time to go pursue a hobby.
Leave a message on his voicemail: “Thanks for going to work every day to take care of our family. You are so good at what you do.”
Ask him how you can pray for him at work. Later on in the week, get an update from him on what you’ve prayed for.
Be proactive about doing something together that he really enjoys. Make a date, get him excited, and share his enthusiasm!
Tell him areas he’s gifted in. Don’t stretch the truth: Be honest so he can trust you.
Pray for him.
Initiate great sex.
Start and keep a “Dreams” binder with him. Include some travel brochures or whatever gets you both energized. In the back, make sure you have a “Dreams turned reality!” file.
Talk with your husband about setting aside a small part of the budget to pursue the unique ways God has designed him (including his gifts, abilities, and passions)—through education or through sheer enjoyment.
Post on his Facebook wall: “I love being your wife! See me tonight regarding this.”
Gently communicate with him about what you like in bed, and respond encouragingly to his attempts.
Remember a dream that he had a long time ago. Talk with him about whether it’s still a dream—and still a possibility.
Ask God to open your eyes to the ways He has made your husband unique, and to give you wisdom about how to maximize that workmanship.
Have your children write him notes or letters about what they love about him as a dad.
Initiate great sex.
Ban yourself from nagging, which is the Great Life-Sucker.
Ask, “If I could do one thing that would really empower you and inspire you, what would it be?” Then listen, resist being defensive (the hard part), and follow through.
Remind him of specific times when he’s made an impact on other people’s lives. “Hey, I was thinking the other day about all the time you invested in that Cub Scout troop. Wonder what those boys are doing now. It was so cool to watch them grow with you as their leader.” “Our son has grown so much in encouraging people lately. He gets that from you; you are such a good example for him in that.”
Buy him something small to stoke the fires: A journal for a writer, some carpentry pencils for a woodworker, some grilling tools for the master chef. Add a sweet note: “Just because I love the way you’re made.”
Do something fun and unexpected together. A few ideas to try: paintball; laser tag; on a spring day, have a picnic, blow bubbles, and bring the books you’re reading; swing; play a pickup game of a sport together; go to a drive-in movie, bring popcorn, and instigate a make-out session.
Think about a way you’ve been hurting him, annoying him. Or there may be ways you’re not “seeing” him—not stepping into his world to understand what it’s like to be him, with all of the things he cares about. Apologize, and work hard at showing true change.
Initiate great sex.
Go to a home improvement store to plan a small, doable project that energizes both of you, even if it’s just painting a room or fixing up some landscaping. (Hint: Be positive that it’s something by which he won’t feel burdened.)
With quality, complete something from his to-do list for him—something that he’d rather have you do anyway.
Find a mutually enjoyable activity you like doing together on a regular basis, even if it’s as simple as playing the Wii together after the kids are in bed.
Create a cheerful atmosphere when he comes home.
Design a date night that will help him to de-stress and have fun.
Discover his “love language,” and become fluent in it.
Pray about and pursue at least one dream of your own, talking with him about it. An inspired wife breeds inspiration.
What’s difficult about his life right now? Pray for his endurance, and encourage him specifically. Galatians 6:9 is a great start for both. Think, What can I do to ease the load he’s carrying?
Organize or clean something in your home that you know he finds messy.
Send a snail-mail love note to him at the office, affirming him in his work.
Think of something on his honey-do list at home that he finds overwhelming or for which he doesn’t have much time. Talk with him (respectfully and gently) about the possibility of hiring someone to do it. Communicate clearly that it’s not because you find him incompetent, but that you want to free him up from a burden.
Initiate great sex.
Be a student of your husband. Does he feel inspired if he has all his ducks in a row? If he has a creative space to think? If he feels verbally affirmed?
If your man is into dressing nice, go with him to shop for clothes in which he feels confident.
Let him overhear you speaking well of him on the phone, among friends, or in public places. And to your mother.
In his area of weakness, pray about how to subtly, gently step in and help him.
Tell him what a great dad he is. Be specific.
If and when he messes up, respond with the kind of grace, compassion, and mercy that God gives you. Respond in a way that communicates, You’re safe with me—and I’m not going to rehash your failures. This is a secure place for you to grow … and I love the journey with you.

This article originally appeared on MomLife Today, FamilyLife's blog for moms of all ages and stages of life.

http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=6196501&ct=9336869

How to Ruin Your Kid for Life

2011-08-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

How to Ruin Your Kid for Life
Ten things to avoid if you want your child to succeed.
Tricia Goyer

1. Give your kid everything he wants. Don’t deny what will truly make him happy. Overvalue money and things in his eyes.

2. Dress your child in designer clothes, no matter the cost. Show her that her outward appearance matters most of all.

3. Place your child’s needs over those of your spouse. If she cries, run to her immediately. If she interrupts, give her your full attention.

4. Entertain your child throughout the day. If she wants to play tea, put your plans aside. If she wants to watch her favorite movie for the hundredth time, forget your idea for going for a walk and getting some sunshine.

5. Plan your menu around your child’s desires. No child should have to eat something he doesn’t like. If, by chance, you want to make something other than macaroni and cheese or peanut butter and jelly, feel free to cook your own meal, just as long as you have time to fix what your child likes.

6. Sign your child up for as many extracurricular activities as she desires, even if it means giving up your evening plans on a regular basis. Don’t worry about trying to gather around the dinner table either. He can only be in the junior soccer league for so long, and you don’t want him to miss out.

7. Don’t discipline your child when she acts up. Everyone should learn to express herself in her own way. If she demands something, then applaud her efforts. At least you know that she will not be a pushover or a doormat in this world.

8. Don’t worry when your child fights with neighbor kids or even when he is a bully. Life is not fair, and someone always has to be the underdog. At least your child is learning to elbow his way to the top at a young age.

9. When your child has a disagreement with her teacher, always choose your child’s side. Don’t show up when the teacher wants to discuss your child’s problems. The teacher will want to take a course of disciplinary action and that’ll hurt your child’s feelings.

10. Don’t share your faith with your child. After all, you don’t want to offend. Let your child decide if she wants to hear Bible stories. And don’t pressure her to memorize Scripture verses. She might get disheartened if she doesn’t get it right the first time and you’ll ruin her self-esteem. More than that, you don’t want her to know there’s a God who runs the universe, makes the rules, and determines eternity. The thought is too hard, and your child might not understand. More than that, she won’t be self-dependent and strive to be a good person.

Copyright © 2011 Tricia Goyer. All rights reserved. This article originally appeared on MomLife Today, FamilyLife's blog for moms.

Related resources
While They Are Sleeping, by Anne Arkins and Gary Harrell
Grace Based Parenting, by Tim Kimmel
Don't Make Me Count to Three, by Ginger Plowman

http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3575621&ct=10878353¬oc=1?fromhp=MLTlink

THE HEART OF DREAMS

2011-08-02T16:28:00.001-07:00

THE HEART OF DREAMS
by nakipie223

The heart of dreams inside us, begins to mold,
Brought on by flights of fancy within our waiting souls.

It doesn’t cost us to dare to dream, it makes life so much better;
It is built slowly between us, word by word, letter by letter.

Strike a word, add a word, and let our budding dreams take flight.
Let us stack the build blocks to form our coming life.

Would it be that we can be, all we’ve talked between two?
To take the very first step, a home for me and you.

http://profiles.lovingyou.com/library/poemview.php?pid=12063
Posted by samurai at 4:09 PM 0 comments
A PROMISE by ms delmor
A PROMISE
by ms delmor

A Promise of Love With my eyes, I will see the parts of you that no one else has ever seen before and tell you how beautiful you are so that you can see it, too. With my lips, I will kiss away the teardrops that never that never should have been. With my ears, I will hear the things you can’t always say and listen when you don’t have the words. With my arms I will hold you close to me. With my heart and soul, I promise I will love you just as you were meant to be love.

God KNOWS our insecurities and our frustrations. And sometimes, when we need it most, he goes OUT OF HIS WAY to prove HIS LOVE One of the nicest things about HIM is sharing the joy of he’s message with special people like you. God bless you and always. May you always be in harmony with the beauty and wonders of God’s world, and may His peace surround you at your difficult times my old FRIEND.

Notes From The Author:
My Friend Don't waste a good heart you are a wonderful soul. you know who from... <3

http://profiles.lovingyou.com/library/poemview.php?pid=11548
Posted by samurai at 4:04 PM 0 comments
Everything I Found
Everything I Found
by garyb0819

Passion, desire, hunger ... I found them all in you
My emotions you ignite so easily, my true colors shine thru
You awakened my spirit deep down inside, now i feel so alive
With your strength and with your love, somehow I managed to survive

Love, devotion, caring ... I found them all in you
Loving you comes so easily, it's just something that I do
You give yourself so completely, not one emotion do you fail to show
With your love and with your actions, a life as one is the path we will go

Truth, honesty, openness ... I found them all in you
You accepted me so easily, to me your faults are so very few
An angel without compare, a blessing I am so proud of
With your morals and with your virtues, a perfect example of love

Beauty, attractive, spell-bound ... I found them all in you
You captured me so easily, you showed me a love I never knew
Enchanted by your charm, so long ago I became your very own
With your magic and with your sex appeal, never again will you be alone

Simple, natural, masterpiece ... I found them all in you
My words I write so easily, to me you are a dream come true
So blessed to have your love, each day you make my life very special
With everything I found, so amazed that God made you so incredible

http://profiles.lovingyou.com/library/poemview.php?pid=11787

30 secrets to make your wife happy

2011-08-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

30 secrets to make your wife happy

Do you know a secret of marital happiness and well-being? It is very simple: the main thing - a happy wife, and then she will take care of everything else. Well, how to make her happy? All this is so difficult as it might seem at first glance.

Marital happiness is often compared with honey cells built by two bees, and the more they work, the sweeter honey is inside. Many people ask why they are deprived of happiness, harmonious family relations and how to get them back? There is no doubt that happiness of family first of all depends on a couple itself.

The main condition - understanding between partners. They should be united by love, but not that frivolous love, which erupts and suddenly extinguish, but the one that links spiritual harmony and gentle noble sentiments. Well, how to make a wife happy?

1. You both should have common views on life.

2. Try to help your wife at home.

3. Try not to pay attention to some shortcomings of your wife, and always remember that her dignity and noble qualities will hide minor shortcomings. If you do not like one quality in her, then you will be pleased with another one.

4. Be gentle and tender towards your wife, have fun with her, caress her.

5. Listen to criticism in your address from your wife with patience and magnanimity.

6. Be kind to your wife and children. The best of you - those who treat their families the best way.

7. If you are good to members of your family, they will also treat you kindly, filling your life with joy.

8. Do not save money on your wife or children, but spend money only for good. All your expenses for family will be rewarded. Prophet Muhammad said: “Best money - those that are spent on a family.” Do not say your wife you maintain her. This is your responsibility. If you reproach wife with this, you lose a reward for this good act.

9. Never humiliate your wife, because it leaves a trace in her heart for a long. The most dangerous humiliations - those that your wife can forgive on words, but will never forgive in heart - insults, when you are angry, curse of her parents, accusations of infidelity, etc.

10. If you treat your wife well, she will reciprocate. Let her feel you appreciate her happiness most of all, care of her health and is ready to sacrifice much to cure her during her illness.

11. Remember that your wife always wants to stay abreast of what is happening with you, so talk to her often. Returning home, try not to be doomed, grim, silent. All this can cause fear and suspicions in your wife.

12. Do not wait your wife would be interested in your professional interests. Therefore, if you are, for example, a professor of astronomy, do not hope your wife will be worried about state of stars and planets.

13. Be direct and honest, and then your wife will treat you the same way. Do not leave secrets - it can lead to questioning in each other.

14. Beware to cause your wife’s sense of jealousy specially or by accidentally said words, that you are offered to marry a second wife. Do not show your delight with other woman. All this could wound your wife’s heart deeply, make her worrying and doubting in you, which, in its turn, will affect her health, as well as respect for you.

15. Do not remind your wife about her physical shortcomings or mistakes, especially in front of strangers. Do not reproach her.

16. Watch your behavior and try to transform, educate yourself, because not only your wife is obliged to do so. Do not keep your old bad habits. Avoid anything that could cause anger in your wife, even if it’s just a joke.

17. Try to adopt positive qualities of your wife.

18. Be always calm and never go mad, because anger - a source of hatred among people. If you offended your wife, apologize immediately. Do not go to bed being angry with your wife, while she is offended and crying. Try to understand why you were angry - it is something small, not worth your wife’s tears.

19. Allow your wife feeling confidence. Do not make her your shadow, which should follow you, forgiving all your whims. Instead, encourage her to have her own views on life. Consult with her in all cases. Listen to her, if you see she is right, and tell her about it. If you do not agree with her, then try to convince her discreetly and politely.

20. Every time your wife is worthy of praise and gratitude, say her kind words.

21. Do not reproach your wife. Do not compare her with relatives you admire.

22. Try to give your wife an opportunity to receive education. If she wants to obtain a license in any industry, support her, unless it does not prevent her from carrying out marital duties and domestic affairs. Every time she succeeds, encourage her.

23. Listen to your wife attentively, when she starts talking, because it helps pouring her heart and getting rid of many emotional problems. Avoid charges of lying during of conversation. There are, however, women who like talking too much, gossiping about husband’s families. In such cases it is necessary to deal wisely with them, be calm, warn them of such conversations, and their unintended consequences.

24. Your wife should always feel safe from any trouble, be confident that you will never leave her.

25. Allow your wife feeling that you will always provide her materially, no matter how rich she may be. Never try to seize her inheritance, got from her father. Do not save money on her, even if she is very rich, because she needs a sense you really replace her real father.

26. Your love to your wife should not prevent you from loving your parents or relatives. Each of them should get their share of your love. Love all, not forgetting anybody. This will ensure harmony in family relations.

27. In all spheres of life treat your wife the way you would like her to treat you.

28. Visit her family and relatives, keep good relations with them, full of love and respect.

29. Do not make your wife being jealous to your work that brings you a living. Do not detain at work longer than necessary. Work should not take you too long, especially in the end of week. Do not deprive your wife of joy from sharing family rest at home or somewhere else, she should not miss and be sad.

30. Coming out of the house, ask your wife to smile for you. Coming back, do not go home unexpectedly. Allow her being ready to meet you in the form she wants to appear in front of you, especially if you are returning from a long trip.

http://www.womenshealthguide.net/30-secrets-to-make-your-wife-happy/

2007-08-31T17:09:00.001-07:00

Possible signs of cheating men

Do you think your man is cheating on you? Don’t let him get away with it. Cheating men always leave signs. Here at WomanSavers.com, we have compiled a list of the most common cheating men signs. Use them to your advantage and don’t let him get away with it!

Also, there are many website out there such as Ashleymadison.com and adultfriendfinder.com who specialize in promoting discrete affairs between married and committed people. Make sure your husband or boyfriend is not advertising on these sites! Some other sites he may be frequenting are theeroticreview.com, which is the internet's largest escort site, in addition to bigdoggie.net. This is another easy way for your man to cheat without you ever knowing.

Before you read the below information, please note one of the easiest way to "Catch a Cheater" is to set a trap. 99.9% of the time, cheating men will cheat when their partner is out of town or when the cheater is traveling. Tell your partner you are leaving for the weekend and then wait and watch. If he doesn't come home all night, he could be at another woman's house or a hotel, in which case you would have to follow him. Otherwise, he may bring her to his or "your" house. Remember the old saying...."when the cat's away, the mouse will play." It's very true.

**This is one of my most favorite ways of catching a cheater besides a computer key logger. Placing a long recording, voice-activated digital tape recorder will allow you to hear all of your partners phone and in-car conversations. Make sure you hide it well. I have known MANY women who have caught their partners this way. It's quick, easy and much cheaper than hiring a detective.

Putting a Track Stick GPS tracking device in your partner's car also works but they can be pricey. Usually the cost about US$249.00 but they are no larger than a pack of gum and will track anywhere his automobile goes. Do a search on Google.

Lie detector test have become affordable and available in most major cities. Write down 10 "yes" or "no" questions and ask your partner to take one. They are fairly accurate but I would not rely soley on this method.

Set your partner up by placing a fake profile on-line and see if he takes the bait or get one of your girlfriends to hit on him with a recording device in her purse.

If your partner is computer savy and you don't feel secure installing a key logger, consider an external attachment which you can find at keyghost.com for about US$89.

If you have exhausted all other means of catching your partner, you can fake that you know information. For example, you could say something like "I know what you've been up to and I am going to give you the opportunity to tell me the truth now. However, if you lie to me, it will make things ten times worse." Act like you have proof, act serious, and give him overnight to "think about it." Many men will lie to the very end but if you are a good enough actress, you may get the information you are looking for.

NEVER accuse your partner of cheating unless you have concrete proof because the majority will lie to not get caught and simply cover their tracks better.

A woman's gut instinct is rarely wrong, so listen to it. Women also seem to be born detectives.

Good luck.

CHEATING MEN SIGNS:

Discovery of a post office box.

The toilet bowl seat is up, (men) and when you left home it was down.

The passenger seat in the car has been moved and is not in the usual position.

Unaccounted for hairs of a different color on clothing.

Cigarette smoke on clothing that can’t be explained.

Clothes smell of perfume, massage oil residue and/or sex or have make-up stains and/or lipstick smudges.

Needs a pager, cellular phone. Turns off phone when he's with you. Goes outside or to another room when making calls.

Secretion stains on underwear.

Check wallets and/or the car glove compartments to see if they left receipts, match books, condoms, pieces of paper with phone numbers, notes, addresses, etc.

Paper trails: Phone bills and habits of Cheaters

Unexplained, repetitive charges on mobile phone bill. Often these will be made right after leaving home in the morning and right before coming home in the evening. A cellular phone bill is one of the best ways to catch cheating men because the bill lists every single call made (unlike a bill for conventional phone services, which list only long distance charges). If you suspect your partner is cheating, and they don't have a cell phone, it wouldn't be a bad idea to buy them one.

Cell phone bills contain calls with long duration.

Cell phone calls are not returned in timely fashion.

Home phone and calling card records containing calls with long duration.

An unusual number of hang ups or wrong number calls.

Leaves house or goes to other rooms to talk on the telephone.

Hangs up suddenly when you walk in the room.

Cheating man has suspicious phone voice-mail messages.

Cheating man has suspicious cell phone numbers stored or dialed.

Cheating man has suspicious pager messages.

Receives pages in the middle of the night.

Unknown pager numbers stored in memory.

Computer usage

Most men who are having affairs or seeing escorts wipe out the information from their hard drive with programs like Window Washer which makes them more difficult to catch, but not impossible. Key logger software programs can catch anyone.

Some cheating signs to watch for are:

Uses computer alone and secretly with a demand for privacy - If someone begins cheating, whether on-line or in real life, they'll often go to great lengths to hide the truth from their partner. The computer may be moved from a visible den to a locked office. Try to keep your computer in a public area at home where you can monitor your partner's internet activity.

Internet web browser history list (this is a record of web sites visited) contains unusual sites. This is an easy way to catch a cheater unless they clear their cache (memory) often or use a software to clean it.

Frequent visits to Internet free e-mail accounts to cover their tracks. (i.e., hotmail, msn, yahoo, gmail, etc…)

Uncommon e-mail messages or deleted e-mail messages.

Cheater is preoccupied with on-line chatting, more distant emotionally, spending an excessive amount of time in the on-line chat rooms.

Excessive internet usage especially late at night.

Talk to your partner about their views on "cybersex,” online pornography and the legitimacy of "online adultery".

If interrupted when online, the cheater may react with anger or defensiveness.

Cheaters quickly close programs when you enter the room.

Most cheating married men lie to protect their affairs, which often trigger bigger and bolder lies - including denial or telling you they will quit.

Sleep patterns change - Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating husbands or boyfriends tend to stay up later. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours or may get out of bed earlier for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner.

Loss of interest in sex- Some cyber affairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex alone often includes mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a cheating man suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet. If sexual relations continue in the relationship at all, the cheating partner may be less enthusiastic, energetic, and responsive to you and your lovemaking.

When a cheating man picks up the phone they whisper or tell the person they will call back later.

PC Pandora Key Tracking Software
PC PANDORA: PC SURVEILLANCE AND INTERNET MONITORING SOFTWARE http://www.pcpandora.com PC Pandora is your very own personal PC and Internet detective that hides on your hard drive and monitors all computer and Internet activity. This program will allow you to record and take snapshots of the websites visited, emails sent and received, Instant Messages sent and received, Chat room conversions and other computer and Internet activity that is done on your PC. This software can also be used as a keylogger that will allow you to record secret passwords that someone may want to keep hidden from you. Once you know the passwords you will be able to enter any site that someone tries to keep hidden from you, or login to secret Hotmail, YAHOO, AOL or other web based email accounts. There are more benefits to PC Pandora than you can ever imagine. PC Pandora can protect you from allowing your spouse or significant other to CHEAT on you! PC Pandora can help you keep your children safe from online pedophiles and other predators that want to cause them harm.

Computer software trackers

http://www.Cyber-trace.info

* On-line stalking
* Catch your significant other cheating on you
* Victim of internet scam
* Data recovery
* Check out potential internet dates BEFORE your date

"Suspect Online Infidelity? www.cyber-trace.info offers you peace of mind!"

Finance clues

Credit card bills containing unusual gifts, travel, restaurant and unusual/unknown charges.

Cosmetic, perfume or lipstick purchases listed but not received.

Florist or jewelry bills.

Income tax returns revealing unexplained travel and business expense deductions.

Unexplained payments on bank statements.

Cheating man has more cash on hand without accountability.

Cheating man has unexplained receipts in wallet, car glove compartment or office desk.

Discovering the recent opening of another checking account.

Unexplained withdrawals from checking account.

Increase in ATM withdrawals. Check the transaction record to determine the withdrawal location, time and date. Watch for areas that are an unexplained distance from the ATM withdrawal.

Time and Date - ATM withdrawal is recorded at a time when the spouse should be elsewhere, such as at work.

Credit card gas purchases inconsistent for the amount of miles driven on the car.

Gas credit cards containing uncommon locations of gas stations.

Car mileage clues

Cheating men’s driving pattern may change. You may find the car needs gas more often or you may monitor the car's odometer and find the cheater is putting a lot of unexplained miles on the car.

Monitor your partner for two weeks. During this time keep track of the mileage on their car. Monitor the time they leave for work and the time they come home. By keeping a calendar and noting the times, this should help you establish a pattern. If your mate claims to be working late, check paycheck stubs to verify this overtime.

Your partner explains a late return home as a result of having to drive out of town on business, but yet the mileage on the car indicates less than ten mile driven.

Behavioral changes

- Joins a health gym or weight reduction clinic.
- Tanning salon visits.
- New hairstyle.
- Wears hair spray, colognes & perfumes more often.
- Excessive buying of new and different clothes.
- Gets laundry done independently.
- Buys sexy underwear or lingerie.
- More frequent bathing and more careful grooming.
- An unexplained indifference or aloofness in the relationship.
- Spontaneous plans or events that do not include you.
- Cheater is often distracted and daydreaming.
- Asks about your schedule more often than usual.
- Viagra usage increases.

Cheater pays less attention to you. Cheater shuns things like shared baths, talking over the dishes after dinner, or renting a video on Saturday night. Cheater doesn’t get as excited about taking vacations together and avoids talking about long-range relationship plans. Cheaters are having their fun with someone else, and their thoughts of the future revolve around fantasies of running off with their affair.

Cheater spends unaccounted time away from home.

Cheater may have a change in sexuality (i.e., more sex, less sex) as well as unexplained sexual requests.

Your partner comes home late and you feel like "being romantic" and they tell you they are too tired.

Your partner becomes defensive during normal conversations.

Household chores ignored - When an internet user increases time on-line, household chores often go undone.

Cheaters often lose interest in domestic activities, such as spending time with the kids, fixing up the house, lawn care, etc.

Cheater starts bringing you flowers and acts especially nice or cheater doesn't bring you flowers anymore and acts especially mean.

At the beginning of an affair, the cheater may actually be more affectionate than usual due to guilt feelings.

After the affair has been going on for a while, the cheater often starts finding fault with the partner as a defensive mechanism (i.e., to justify the affair in their mind).

Cheater's relationship with you will almost always change. They become more distant, fault-finding or blame you for their behavior.

Your cheating partner tells you he just hired a new assistant and that she's not very pretty. However, when you meet her for the first time, she's absolutely gorgeous. If your partner isn't cheating, or thinking about it, he wouldn't lie to you about her looks.

Work habit clues

Coming home later than usual. Excuses of working late or hanging around with buddies after work.

Cheating men are often unavailable at work.

Cheater attends more work functions alone.

Abnormal work hours.

Tips to catch a cheater

Set them up in a bar or gym or place they frequent by using one of your friends as prey.

Press the re-dial on the phone or *69. This is an effective way to find out who they’ve been calling.

If you suspect that your partner is involved in an online affair or excessive usage of internet pornography, monitor their online activity using the latest technology available. There are many software applications that record every keystroke on your computer without slowing it down or changing its performance.

Be aware of any close platonic relationships. Most friends will not approve of the cheater's ways but will cover for them. Some friends will actually help the cheater by providing an alibi for the cheater. The cheater's friend will assist the cheater out of loyalty stemming from a friendship.

If you suspect the cheater is actually cheating at home while you're away, make false plans to be away one weekend and stay at a local hotel. Park down the street from your residence, then watch and wait. Have a non-violent plan as to what you intend to do if your suspicions are confirmed.

**IMPORTANT NOTE: The cheating man must NOT know that you suspect him/her. Although it is difficult, you must still treat the cheater the same way as you did prior to suspecting him/her of cheating. Give the cheater plenty of room to hang himself/herself.

Best websites to help you catch a cheater

The following websites can help you find out your partners:

Address - Phone number - Date of Birth/Place of Birth - Are they married?- Are they divorced?- Have they ever declared bankruptcy?- Have they ever been charged with a DWI? - Have there been any civil suits filed against them?- Do they have a criminal record? How much are they worth? - Where they honorably discharged from the Military? - Did they graduate from college? - Background business check, etc…

http://www.tracerservices.com
One of the best site out there. Does asset searches, background checks, bug sweeps, business search, cheating spouses, fraud prevention, phone searches, postal searches, repossessions, dead beat dad searches, vehicle searches, etc… Check out cellular, home or pager records Also includes collect calls and 3rd party billed calls. A very powerful tool!

If your partner does not have a cellular telephone, you can look at records of the phone numbers that were sent to their pager.

Want to know exactly where your partner and their cellular telephone are?
If their cellular phone is turned on, you can use the cellular phone network to pinpoint the exact location of their cellular phone, anywhere in the USA! You give a cellular telephone number and you will be provided with the current GPS coordinates of the telephone. The phone must be turned on and in the United States. You get GPS and the nearest street address.

No cell phone or pager – no problem! A fake phone calling card gives you detailed records of every call that was made with the card. It even comes with a promotional letter that makes it look like a valuable free sample from a phone company. You get a record of every call made. You buy a calling card, give it to your partner and you get a detailed printout of every call made, date, time, and telephone number called, and telephone number call placed from.

Motor Vehicle Tracer
A list of all motor vehicles owned.

Marine Vehicle Tracer
A list of all boats and watercraft owned.

Aircraft Tracer
a list of all aircraft owned.

Canadian Bank Account
Tracer A list of all bank accounts in Canada owned.

Bank Account Tracer
A list of all bank accounts nationwide. You get the account numbers and the balances.

Stocks and Bonds Tracer
A list of all stocks, bonds and mutual funds owned. You get the account numbers and the balances. Does your debtor own any stocks, or Bonds?

Off-Shore Bank Account Tracer
A list of all bank accounts and balances that are held by that person worldwide. Covers all tax haven countries (England, Germany, Brazil, Columbia, Japan, Canada, Cayman Islands, Turks & Caicos, Switzerland, Etc) You get the account numbers and the balances.

Employer Tracer

Credit Report

Real Estate Tracer
A list of all real estate owned by that person per county, state or nationwide.

Dead Beat Parent Asset Search
Locate their address, employer, bank accounts, real estate and vehicles. Must include child support order. You can use your judgment in court to attach to the assets you find. Bank accounts can be seized; boats, planes or other luxury assets can be seized and auctioned off. Real estate may be foreclosed on to collect your debt. Also, if you find a bank account or asset that your X-spouse did not disclose to the court, they could be found in contempt of court and additional monies awarded to you for their fraud and deception. It is up to you to prove that their financial statements submitted are false.

DNA testing kits

http://www.infidelitytoday.com
An Infidelity Test Kit will quickly and easily monitor your partner’s sexual activity outside of the relationship by detecting traces of semen left in their undergarments after sex.

Spy equipment

http://www.cheater-busters.com
GPS Vehicle Tracking System

http://www.lonezone.com/2000/catalog/6790.html
Tap Detector

http://www.spyzone.com
Anti Terrorism & Homeland Security, Night Vision, Video Surveillance, Audio Surveillance, Tap Detection, Detection Scramblers, Bug Detection, Radio Communications, Bullet Proof Products, Voice Stress Analysis,Tracking Recovery, Personal Protection, Security Services, SecuritySource, Library,CCS Video Library (including Video Catalogs), Government & Law Enforcement

http://www.thespystore.com
The Spy Store, Inc. offers the world's largest and most varied selection of video surveillance equipment, audio surveillance equipment, telephone surveillance equipment, PC surveillance equipment, employee surveillance equipment, GPS vehicle surveillance equipment, loss prevention surveillance equipment, counter surveillance equipment, peephole Spy, police badges, locksmith equipment at the lowest prices you will find!

Disclaimer:

WomanSavers.com Inc., is not affiliated with and is not an agent or representative of any company named herein. WomanSavers.com Inc., or any of its providers, does not represent or endorse the accuracy, reliability or timeliness of any of the information, content or advertisements, whether in text or graphical form, contained in or linked to or from this web site. Links to Internet sites and content provided and maintained by third parties are for informational purposes only and constitute neither an endorsement nor a recommendation by WomanSavers.com Inc., has no control and assumes no responsibility as to the performance or accuracy of products and services provided by third party sites. The information contained in the WomanSavers.com web site and third party sites is provided "as is" and "as available" without expressed or implied warranties, including, but not limited to warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose. WomanSavers.com Inc. does not warrant that the availability of materials contained in the WomanSavers.com web site or third party web sites will be uninterrupted or error-free, or that defects will be corrected. For more details, please refer to WomanSavers.com Inc. Terms of Use at http://www.womansavers.com/p_terms.asp

2007-08-31T16:58:00.001-07:00

Infidelity: Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving
By Stephany Alexander
Last edited: Friday, April 13, 2007
Posted: Friday, April 13, 2007

Do you suspect your partner of infidelity? Top 20 warning signs of infidelity and surviving.

Warning signs of infidelity can take many forms but if you know which signs to look for, it can make this difficult investigative journey a bit easier and definitely less expensive than hiring a private investigator. Infidelity can take many forms but usually begins as emotional infidelity and then progresses to sexual infidelity. A person’s gut instinct is usually right, but if you notice any of the below top 20 warning signs of infidelity, the likelihood of your partner cheating becomes even more so. If you discover infidelity, be prepared with a master plan of action. Surviving infidelity is just as difficult as the discovery so make sure that you have a master plan of action as to how you will cope if infidelity is discovered.

Watch for the following top 20 infidelity signs:

1. Cheating spouse spends more time away from home. The cheater needs to spend more time with his love interest so they must make up more excuses to be away such as working late, unexplained errands and increased travel.
2. Cheating husband or wife has noticeable cell phone habit changes. The cheater doesn’t answer their phone around you, turns the ringer off or takes longer than usual to call you back. If you have access to the cheating partner’s cell phone bill, check for calls made during odd times or of long duration.
3. Cheater’s clothes smell of alcohol, smoke, perfume or cologne.
4. Cheating spouse clears his computer history, utilizes free email accounts such as gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc..., spends odd hours or unusually long times on the computer, changes screen display when you enter the room.
5. Cheater is not interested in sex as much.
6. Cheating husband or wife is unusually defensive or starts ignoring you.
7. Cheating spouse starts using cash more often.
8. Cheating spouse suddenly starts doing their own laundry or dropping off their own dry cleaning.
9. Cheating spouse has higher than usual car mileage.
10. Cheating husband or wife wants to travel and attend functions alone
11. Cheater has unexplained receipts in their car, wallet or desk.
12. Cheating spouse suddenly joins a gym, changes diet, gets a new hair style, starts visiting tanning salon, buys new clothes and/or lingerie.
13. They begin bathing or showering more frequently.
14. Cheating husband or wife asks about your schedule more often than usual.
15. Cheating spouse stops cuddling, kissing or holding hands.
16. Cheater may have new or unusual sexual requests.
17. Cheating spouse is always “too tired” for you.
18. The lose interest in domestic activities such as spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc... because they need this time for their affair.
19. Cheating husband or wife becomes unusually nice, brings you more gifts than usual and is more affectionate because of guilt feelings and time spent away.
20. Cheater starts finding fault in everything you do to justify the affair in their mind.

The discovery of infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Many couples have survived infidelity. If both partners still value the relationship and are willing to work at saving it through counseling, daily effort and increased communication, the chances of surviving infidelity become much greater.

Written by http://www.WomanSavers.com ©

2007-08-31T16:56:00.000-07:00

Why do men cheat?
Here are the top 10 reasons why men cheat.

Why men cheat on women is an age-old question. The reasons why men cheat on women can be varied. Nevertheless, we have compiled a list of the top 10 reasons why both married and unmarried men cheat. Sometimes their reasons don’t even involve you and it’s simply an ego-based decision. Other times, reasons why men cheat can involve you and your relationship, or lack thereof.

So why do some men cheat in relationships? Almost all men know that cheating is wrong, yet many they still do it. Men will blame their reasons for cheating on their genes and their necessity to reproduce. However, aren’t we suppose to be further evolved than a chimp? Shouldn’t we be able to control our bodies through our minds and conscious decisions? Aparrently not always.

Here are the top 10 reasons why men cheat.

1. Because they had the option. The old saying “men are only as faithful as their options” can sometimes ring true. Men don’t get offered sex as often as women so when the opportunity does arise, it can be very difficult for them to turn it down.

2. It boosts their ego. Sometimes men don’t feel like they are attractive to the opposite sex any more and when a woman shows some interest, not only does a man react, he may allow her to stroke his ego and more. There’s nothing like the thrill of the chase to men on the hunt. When they are finally rewarded for their efforts, their egos swell even larger.

3. You grow apart. Maybe the two of you didn’t have as much in common as you thought. He’s met a woman who has more in common with him who loves football or plays golf. He may check out if he is compatible with her under the sheets also.

4. You argue a lot. Men will sometimes cheat to get away from an overly critical or argumentative partner. Who wants to be around someone who is constantly on them about something.

5. They have fallen out of love. Sometimes men become so comfortable in a relationship, they don’t know how to get out. They may be staying in the relationship because of children or financial reasons. However, they feel like they are missing out on love and may seek it out elsewhere. In their mind, this is as close to win-win as they can get.

6. Your sex life sucks. If a man has a disinterested partner or isn’t getting enough sex to fulfill him, there is a good chance he will have an affair. Just because you have a husband or boyfriend, does not mean you can stop trying. It takes a little bit of effort to keep your sex life from getting boring and non-existent. Some men cheat because they want to try new sexual things that their current partner will not try.

7. To get revenge. A man will sometimes cheat if he finds out his partner was cheating on him. How else is he supposed to heal those hurt feelings of his but through good old fashioned sex?

8. It’s new, different and exciting. Some men get tired of having steak for dinner every night and want to try a hamburger. The same goes for sex with a woman. That’s why men don’t necessarily always cheat with women who are more attractive than their partners.

9. To see if they can get away with it. If a man has the attitude of “what she doesn’t know, won’t hurt her,” he may cheat to see if he is sneaky and smart enough to get away with it. However, with all the advancement in surveillance spy ware, getting caught has now become easier than ever.

10. Because you have allowed it in the past. If you have forgiven a cheating man a couple of times, they are more than likely going to cheat again because they already know if they plead enough, you will forgive them.

Reasons why men cheat can be more complex than the above list or even be a combination of a few different reasons. Nevertheless, no reason is good enough reason to lie and be dishonest. After all, Karma can be a bitch.

Written by Stephany Alexander, http://www.WomanSavers.com ©

2007-07-31T04:47:00.001-07:00

BEATITUDES OF MARRIAGE

Blessed are the husband and wife who continue to be affectionate,
considerate, and loving after the wedding bells have ceased ringing.

Blessed are the husband and wife who are as polite and courteous to one
another as they are to their friends.

Blessed are they who love their mates more than any other person in the
world, and who joyfully fulfill their marriage vow of a lifetime of fidelity
and mutual helpfulness to one another.

Blessed are they who attain parenthood, for children are a heritage of the
Lord.

Blessed are they who remember to thank God for their food before they
partake of it, and who set apart some time each day for the reading of the
Bible and for prayer.

Blessed are those mates who never speak loudly to one another, and who make
their home a place "where seldom is heard a discouraging word."

Blessed are the husband and wife who faithfully attend the worship service
of the church, and who work together in the church for the advancement of
Christ's kingdom.

Blessed are the husband and wife who can work out the problems of adjustment
without interference from relatives.

Blessed is the couple which has complete understanding about financial
matters, and have worked out a perfect partnership, with all money under the
control of both.

Blessed are the husband and wife who humbly dedicate their lives and their
homes to Christ, and who practice the teachings of Christ in the home by
being unselfish, loyal and loving.

-- Author Unknown

2007-07-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

Confrontation
Week of 03/27/06

Here are three principles that outline a way to gently confront. The other person is far more apt to receive your comments when he or she hears them expressed through these three principles.

1. Learn to express your feelings through three loving attitudes: warmth, empathy, and sincerity. These are common words, but what do they mean? Warmth is the friendly acceptance of a person. Empathy is the ability to understand and identify with a person's feelings. Sincerity is showing a genuine concern for a person without changing your attitude toward him when circumstances change.

2. Learn to share your feelings when angry or irritated without using "you" statements and instead replacing them with "I feel" statements.

3. Learn to wait until your anger or feelings of irritability have subsided before you begin to discuss a sensitive issue.

No one likes to be criticized, regardless of how much truth lies behind the criticism. Whether, we are male or female, six or sixty, when someone corrects us, we automatically become defensive.

Yet honest communication is vital to any relationship. These two basic truths appear contradictory. How do you honestly tell the one you love about something you find displeasing or aggravating without prompting, that familiar, defensive glare or indifferent shrug?

Lord, help me express myself in such a way that my loved one knows deeply of my love and admiration.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1

© Copyright 2006 Smalley Relationship Center

http://www.smalleyonline.com/articles/truth/confrontation.html

2007-06-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

Understanding Your Fear Dance

To make sure you understand the dance, let's take a look at what the Fear Dance might look like for you.

1. You hurt. What does your hurt look like? Think of the range of emotions you feel when you are wounded: bewilderment, sadness, disconnection, anger, confusion, worry, rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment. Those are just a handful of the words that could describe your real-life hurts.

2. You want. When you hurt, you want a solution. You want things that will make you feel better. Sometimes you might think that eating will make you feel better, shopping will replace the hurt, focusing on the children or other things will make you forget your troubles, drinking will dull the pain. You spin lists of things that you believe would satisfy your wants. Or you reduce the conflict to that one, solitary thing that you believe you need to feel satisfied: if only the other person would change so that you could feel better.

Without realizing it, you often expect that the other person will change to satisfy you and give you what you want. You see that person both as your problem and as your solution: You think, If only my spouse would change. Or, If only I had a different boss, I would get the promotion at work. Or, If only she would just … Or, If only my friends would … The end of that sentence is always: then I could be happy.

Do you see the common thread in all this thinking? Two words: misplaced expectations. When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. And anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear.

Our Wants

ACCEPTANCE—I want to be warmly received without condition.

GRACE—I want something good (e.g., forgiveness) that I don't deserve.

CONNECTION—I want to be united to others.

COMPANIONSHIP—I want deep, intimate relationships.

SUCCESS—I want to achieve or accomplish something.

SELF-DETERMINATION—I want to have independence and free will.

UNDERSTANDING—I want to be known.

LOVE—I want to feel attractive to others.

VALIDATION—I want to be valued for who I am.

COMPETENCE—I want to have skills and ability that bring success.

RESPECT—I want to be admired and esteemed.

WORTH—I want to feel important.

HONOR—I want to feel like a priceless treasure.

COMMITMENT—I want to have unconditional security in relationships.

SIGNIFICANCE—I want to have meaning and purpose.

ATTENTION—I want to be noticed.

COMFORT—I want to feel a sense of well-being.

SUPPORT—I want to be cared for.

APPROVAL—I want to be liked and accepted.

WANTED—I want to be sought after.

SAFETY—I want to feel protected and secure.

AFFECTION—I want to feel fondness and warmth.

TRUST—I want to have faith in others.

HOPE—I want confidence that I will get what I love and desire.

JOY—I want to feel satisfied and happy.

3. You fear. Through thousands of marriage intensives, both at our counseling centers and with people around the world, we have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt and want, it also touches specific fears. Think about your own troubled relationships. You want to connect, but you fear you're not attractive enough (or competent enough or smart enough or whatever). You want to be accepted, but you fear you're not good enough. You want respect, but you fear the other person will look down on you. You want to control your situation, but you fear you are powerless.

Do you see how your fears actually reflect your wants? When you feel your wants won't be fulfilled, you experience fear:

We can't live without ________. So we fear ________ (You fill in the blanks)Acceptance Rejection
Grace Judgment
Connection Disconnection
Companionship Loneliness
Success Failure
Self-Determination Powerlessness
Understanding Being misunderstood
Love Being scorned
Validation Being invalidated
Competence Feeling defective
Respect Inferiority
Worth Worthlessness
Honor Feeling devalued
Dignity Humiliation
Commitment Abandonment
Significance Feeling unimportant
Attention Feeling ignored
Support Neglect
Approval Condemnation
Wanted Feeling unwanted
Safety Danger
Affection Feeling disliked
Trust Mistrust
Hope Despair
Joy Unhappiness

Even though we have listed twenty-five wants and fears here, Greg and Bob's team found that all of our deepest desires stem from our desires for connection and control. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control.

4. You react. If you are like most people, you—consciously and unconsciously—fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You'll do anything to soothe your hurt. You'll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You'll do or say anything to calm your fear.

More often than not, your emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages your relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control.

You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. You desperately want your way—to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that it's not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It's how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.
» Read the Explanation

© Copyright 2004 Smalley Relationship Center

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

2007-01-01T23:09:00.000-08:00

You have just been introduced to all the Basic Concepts that I use whenever I try to save a marriage. If you apply them all to your marriage, you will do what most couples want to do, but have failed to do -- fall in love and stay in love. And that's what ultimately saves marriage -- restoring the feeling of love.

Of course, it takes much more than just the feeling of love to build a successful marriage. It takes your willingness and ability to care for and protect each other. But that feeling of incredible attraction is the best litmus test of your success in giving each other the care and protection that you need. If you are both in love, your Takers are convinced that the relationship is a good deal for both of you, and will not interfere with what's going on. Your Givers have free reign to provide each other the best of what you both have to offer.

When you are in love, your emotions help you meet each other's emotional needs. They provide instincts that you may not have even known you have -- instincts to be affectionate, sexual, conversational, recreational, honest and admiring. These all seem to come naturally when you are in love.

But when you fall out of love, everything that will help your marriage seems unnatural. Your instincts turn against marital recovery, and toward divorce. That's why I've created these Basic Concepts -- to help you do what it takes to restore your love for each other when you are not in love, when you don't feel like doing any of them. And then once your love is restored, these concepts will help you stay in love for the rest of your lives.

I present my summary of basic concepts in a slightly different order than they were first presented to you. When they are presented briefly, they're a little more logical when presented this way.

Basic Concept #1: The Love Bank

In my struggle to learn how to save marriages, I eventually discovered that the best way to do it was to teach couples how to fall in love with each other -- and stay in love. So I created a concept that I called the Love Bank to help couples understand how people fall in and out of love. This concept, perhaps more than any other that I created, helped couples realize that almost everything they did affected their love for each other either positively or negatively. And that awareness set most of them on a course of action that preserved their love and saved their marriages.

Within each of us is a Love Bank that keeps track of the way each person treats us. Everyone we know has an account and the things they do either deposit or withdraw love units from their accounts. It's your emotions' way of encouraging you to be with those who make you happy. When you associate someone with good feelings, deposits are made into that person's account in your Love Bank. And when the Love Bank reaches a certain level of deposits (the romantic love threshold), the feeling of love is triggered. As long as your Love Bank balance remains above that threshold, you will experience the feeling of love. But when it falls below that threshold, you will lose that feeling. You will like anyone with a balance above zero, but you will only be in love with someone whose balance is above the love threshold.

However, your emotions do not simply encourage you to be with those who make you happy -- they also discourage you from being with those who make you unhappy. Whenever you associate someone with bad feelings, withdrawals are made in your Love Bank. And if you withdraw more than you deposit, your Love Bank balance can fall below zero. When that happens the Love Bank turns into the Hate Bank. You will dislike those with moderate negative balances, but if the balance falls below the hate threshold, you will hate the person.

Try living with a spouse you hate! Your emotions are doing everything they can to get you out of there -- and divorce is one of the most logical ways to escape.

Couples usually ask for my advice when they are just about ready to throw in the towel. Their Love Banks have been losing love units so long that they are now deeply in the red. And their negative Love Bank accounts make them feel uncomfortable just being in the same room with each other. They cannot imagine surviving marriage for another year, let alone ever being in love again.

But that's my job -- to help them fall in love with each other again. I encourage them to stop making Love Bank withdrawals, and start making Love Bank deposits. I created all of the remaining Basic Concepts to help couples achieve those objectives.

Basic Concept #2: Instincts and Habits

Instincts are behavioral patterns that we are born with, and habits are patterns that we learn. Both of them tend to be repeated again and again almost effortlessly. They are important in our discussion of what it takes to be in love because it's our behavior that makes deposits and withdrawals from Love Banks, and our instincts and habits make up most of our behavior.

Instincts and habits can make Love Bank deposits, so it is imperative to know how to create those habits because once they are learned, deposits are made repeatedly and almost effortlessly.

Unfortunately, many of our instincts and habits, such as angry outbursts, contribute to Love Bank withdrawals. Since they are repeated so often, they play a very important role in the annihilation of Love Bank accounts. If we are to stop Love Bank withdrawals, we must somehow stop destructive instincts and habits in their tracks. Instincts are harder to stop than habits, but they can both be avoided.

As we discuss the remaining concepts, keep in mind the value of a good habit, and the harm of a bad habit, because their effect on Love Bank balances are multiplied by repetition.

Basic Concept #3: The Most Important Emotional Needs

How can you deposit love units into each other's Love Banks the fastest? That's a question I asked literally hundreds of couples when I was first learning how to save marriages. Eventually their answer became clear to me -- you must meet each other's most important emotional needs.

You and your spouse fell in love with each other because you made each other very happy, and you made each other happy because you met some of each other's important emotional needs. The only way you and your spouse will stay in love is to keep meeting those needs. Even when the feeling of love begins to fade, or when it's gone entirely, it's not necessarily gone for good. It can be recovered whenever you both go back to making large Love Bank deposits.

First, be sure you know what each other's most important emotional needs are (complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire). Then, learn to meet the needs that are rated the highest in a way that is fulfilling to your spouse, and enjoyable for you, too.

It's likely that you and your spouse do not prioritize your needs in the same order of importance. A highly important need for you may not be as important to your spouse. So you may find yourself trying to meet needs that seem unimportant to you. But your spouse depends on you to meet those needs, and it's the most effective and efficient way for you make large Love Bank deposits.

Basic Concept #4: The Policy of Undivided Attention

Unless you and your spouse schedule time each week for undivided attention, it will be impossible to meet each other's most important emotional needs. So to help you and your spouse clear space in your schedule for each other, I have written the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours each week, using the time to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. This policy will help you avoid one of the most common mistakes in marriage -- neglecting each other.

This Basic Concept not only helps guarantee that you will meet each other's emotional needs, but it also unlocks the door to the use of all the other basic concepts. Without time for undivided attention you will not be able to avoid Love Busters and you will not be able to negotiate effectively. Time for undivided attention is the necessary ingredient for everything that's important in marriage.

And yet, as soon as most couples marry, and especially when children arrive, couples usually replace their time together with activities of lesser importance. You probably did the same thing. You tried to meet each other's needs with time "left over," but sadly, there wasn't much time left over. Your lack of private time together may have become a great cause of unhappiness, and yet you felt incapable of preventing it. You may have also found yourself bottling up your honest expression of feelings because there was just no appropriate time to talk.

Make your time to be alone with each other your highest priority -- that way it will never be replaced by activities of lesser value. Your career, your time with your children, maintenance of your home, and a host of other demands will all compete for your time together. But if you follow the Policy of Undivided Attention, you will not let anything steal from those precious and crucial hours together.

I suggest that you (a) spend time away from children and friends whenever you give each other your undivided attention; (b) use the time to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment; and (c) schedule at least fifteen hours together each week. When you were dating, you gave each other this kind of attention and you fell in love. When people have affairs, they also give each other this kind of attention to keep their love for each other alive. Why should courtship and affairs be the only times love is created? Why can't it happen in marriage as well? It can, if you set aside time every week to give each other undivided attention.

Basic Concept #5: Love Busters

When you meet each other's most important emotional needs, you become each other's source of greatest happiness. But if you are not careful, you can also become each other's source of greatest unhappiness.

It's pointless to deposit love units if you withdraw them right away. So in addition to meeting important emotional needs, you must be sure to protect your spouse, and the Love Bank, from withdrawals. And paying attention to how your everyday behavior can make each other unhappy does that.

You and your spouse were born to be demanding, disrespectful, angry, annoying, independent (insensitive) and dishonest. These are normal human traits that I call Love Busters because they destroy the feeling of love spouses have for each other. But if you promise to avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness, you will do whatever it takes to overcome these destructive tendencies for your spouse's protection. By eliminating Love Busters, you will not only be protecting your spouse, but you will also be preserving your spouse's love for you.

Basic Concept #6: The Policy of Radical Honesty

It isn't easy to be honest. Honesty is an unpopular value these days, and most couples have not made this commitment to each other. Many marriage counselors and clergymen argue that honesty is not always the best policy. They believe that it's cruel to disclose past indiscretions and it's selfish to make such disclosures. While it makes you feel better to get a mistake off your chest, it causes your partner to suffer. So, they argue, the truly caring thing to do is to lie about your mistakes or at least keep them tucked away.

And if it's compassionate to lie about sins of the past, why isn't it also compassionate to lie about sins of the present -- or future? To my way of thinking, it's like letting the proverbial camel's nose under the tent. Eventually you will be dining with the camel. Either honesty is always right, or you'll always have an excuse for being dishonest.

To help remind couples how important honesty is in marriage, I have written the Policy of Radical Honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.

Self-imposed honesty with your spouse is essential to your marriage's safety and success. Honesty will not only bring you closer to each other emotionally, it will also prevent the creation of destructive habits that are kept secret from your partner.

The Policy of Radical Honesty combined with the Policy of Joint Agreement are two guidelines that will help you create an open and integrated lifestyle, one that will guarantee your love for each other. They also prevent the creation of a secret second life where infidelity, the greatest threat to your marriage, can grow like mold in a damp, dark cellar.

Basic Concept #7: The Giver and Taker

Have you ever thought that your spouse is possessed? One moment he or she is loving and thoughtful, and the next you are faced with selfishness and thoughtlessness. Trust me, it's not a demon you're up against, it's the two sides of our personalities. I call them the Giver and the Taker.

All of us want to make a difference in the lives of other. We want others to be happy, and we want to contribute to their happiness. When we feel that way, our Giver is influencing us. The Giver's rule is do whatever you can to make others happy and avoid anything that makes others unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It encourages us to use that rule in our relationships with other people.

But we also want the best for ourselves. We want to be happy, too. When we feel that way, our Taker is influencing us. The Taker's rule is do whatever you can to make yourself happy, and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. If that rule ever makes sense to you, it's because your Taker is in control.

These two primitive aspects of our personality are usually balanced in our dealings with others. But in marriage they tend to take turns being in charge. And that leads to most of the problems that couples encounter. If we take the advice of our Giver, we are willing to suffer to make our spouse happy, and if we take the advice of our Taker, we are willing to let our spouse suffer to make us happy. In either case the advice we are given is short sighted because someone always gets hurt.

Basic Concept #8: The Three States of Mind in Marriage

The Giver and Taker create moods that I call states of mind. These states of mind have a tremendous influence on the way a husband and wife try to resolve conflicts. But in each of the three states of mind, negotiation is almost impossible. That's what makes negotiation, in general, so tough in marriage.

When we are in love and happy, we are usually in the State of Intimacy. That state of mind is controlled by the Giver, which encourages us to follow the Giver's rule: do whatever you can to make your spouse happy and avoid anything that makes your spouse unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. That rule can lead to habits that may be good for our spouse, but can be disastrous for us because we are not negotiating with our own interests in mind.

Sadly, flawed agreements made in the state of Intimacy can lead to our own unhappiness, and that in turn wakes the slumbering Taker. As long as we are happy, our Taker has nothing to do, but when we start feeling unhappy, our Taker rises to our rescue and triggers the State of Conflict. With the Taker now in charge, we are encouraged to follow the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy, and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. The Taker also encourages us to be demanding, disrespectful and angry in an effort to force our spouse to make us happy. Fighting is the Taker's favorite "negotiating" strategy.

When fighting doesn't work, and we are still unhappy, the Taker encourages us to take a new course of action that triggers the State of Withdrawal. Instead of trying to force our spouse to make us happy, our Taker wants us to give up on our spouse entirely. We don't want our spouse to do anything for us, and we certainly don't want to do anything for our spouse. In this state of mind we are emotionally divorced.

How can couples work their way back to the state of Intimacy once they find themselves trapped in the state of Withdrawal? And once they are back, how can they stay there? The answers to those questions are found in the next Basic Concept.

Basic Concept #9: The Policy of Joint Agreement

Marital instincts do not lead to fair negotiation. They either lead to giving away the store (state of Intimacy) or robbing the bank (state of Conflict). And in the state of Withdrawal, no one even feels like negotiating. Yet, in order to meet each other's most important needs and avoid Love Busters consistently and effectively, fair negotiation is crucial in marriage.

You need a rule to help you override the shortsighted advice of your Giver and Taker. Their advice is shortsighted because regardless of the rule, someone gets hurt. We get hurt when we follow the Giver's advice and our spouse gets hurt when we follow the Taker's advice. So I've created a rule to guarantee that no one gets hurt, and that's the ultimate goal in fair negotiation. I call this rule the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

Almost everything you do affects each other. So it's very important to know what that effect will be before you actually do it. The Policy of Joint Agreement will help you remember to consult with each other to be sure you avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness. It also makes negotiation necessary, regardless of your state of mind. If you agree to this policy, you will not be able to do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other, so it forces you to discuss your plans, and negotiate with each other's feelings in mind. Without safe and pleasant negotiation, you will simply not be able to reach an enthusiastic agreement.

Basic Concept #10: Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation

If you and your spouse are in conflict about anything, I recommend that you do nothing until you can both agree enthusiastically about a resolution. But how should you go about coming to that agreement? I suggest you follow four essential guidelines.

Guideline 1: Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe.

Ground rule 1: Try to be pleasant and cheerful throughout negotiations

Ground rule 2: Put safety first. Do not make demands, show disrespect, or become angry when you negotiate, even if your spouse makes demands, shows disrespect or becomes angry with you.

Ground rule 3: If you reach an impasse and you do not seem to be getting anywhere, or if one of you is starting to make demands, show disrespect or become angry, stop negotiating and come back to the issue later.

Guideline 2: Identify the problem from both perspectives with mutual respect for those perspectives.

Guideline 3: Brainstorm with abandon - give your creativity a chance to discover solutions that would make you both happy. Carry a pad and pencil with you to jot down ideas as you think of them throughout the day.

Guideline 4: Choose the solution that meets the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement best - mutual and enthusiastic agreement.

Whenever a conflict arises keep in mind the importance of finding a solution that will deposit as many love units as possible, while avoiding withdrawals. And be sure that the way you find that solution also deposits love units and avoids withdrawals.

A Child's Bedtime Song

2006-12-20T19:39:00.000-08:00

by Denis Waitley

If I had two wishes, I know what they would be
I'd wish for roots to cling to, and wings to set me free;
Roots of inner values, like rings within a tree,
And wings of independence to seek my destiny.

Roots to hold forever, to keep me safe and strong
To let me know you love me, when I've done something wrong;
To show me by example, and help me learn to choose
To take those actions every day to win instead of lose.

Just be there when I need you, to tell me it's all right
To face my fear of falling when I test my wings in flight;
Don't make my life too easy, it's better if I try
And fail and get back up myself, so I can learn to fly.

If I had two wishes, and two were all I had
And they could just be granted by my mom and dad;
I wouldn't wish for money or any store-bought things
The greatest gifts I'd ask for are simply roots and wings.

2006-12-07T17:55:00.000-08:00

How to Create a Happy Marriage
From Sheri & Bob Stritof,

A Happy Marriage Comes From Within
One of the myths about marriage is that marriage will make you happy. That's not true.

Your happiness both as an individual and as a married partner must come from within yourself.

Being married can add to your happiness, but it is not and can not be the primary source of your happiness. Here are strategies to help you create a happier you and a happy marriage.
A Few Strategies for Creating a Happier You and a Happy Marriage
Like yourself.

Be yourself.

Be nice to one another.

Show mutual respect.

Be supportive of each other.

Agree to have fair fights.

Each evening, share with one another three happy things that you noticed during the day. Talk about why these moments of happiness occurred.

Both of you write down how you want to be remembered.
Talk with your spouse about how the way you are living your lives helps or takes away from what's important to you both.

Make a list of things that make you happy such as a sunny day, a hot bath, a child's laugh. Create ways to include these happy times in your life more often.

Do a random act of kindness not only for a stranger each day, but also for one another. Don't talk about these acts of kindness with one another. They are for your own personal self-esteem and growth.

Compliment and affirm your spouse.

Word of Caution
We are not saying that you can create a happy marriage when there is infidelity, abuse, lying, etc. A dysfunctional marriage can make you unhappy.

If you are in an unhappy marriage, please seek professional counseling so you can make an informed and rational decision as to whether or not your marriage is worth saving.

http://marriage.about.com/od/tips/qt/happymarriage.htm

2006-11-20T02:59:00.000-08:00

Marriage and Relationships
Creating Value in Your Marriage

How valuable are you to your spouse? Does your spouse think you are the most valuable person on the face of the earth? If not, have you ever asked yourself “Why?”

Unfortunately, it’s in human nature for us to think of ourselves as the most valuable person alive. Think about it. You don’t take care of anyone like you take care of yourself. But Jesus calls us to put others above ourselves.

In Philippians 2, Paul tells us to imitate Christ and “consider others better than yourself.” The implication here is that you should treat others with the same intensity as you treat yourself. And there’s a direct relationship between the intensity with which you care for others and how valuable you are to them.

But here’s the catch: You can’t care for them the way you want to
in order to create that value. You have to serve them the way they want to be served.

Just ask any wife whose husband romances her the way he wants to romance her. It’s just not as fruitful as it would be if he found out how she wanted to be romanced first and served her accordingly. In the first instance, the romance isn’t as valuable to the wife as the second. Oh, sure, she might enjoy it. But not nearly as much as she would if he did it “her way.”

Wives do this too. When they try to romance their husband, what do they do? They set out a nice table with candles and fine china. After all, that’s exactly how she would want to be romanced. And, while most guys will enjoy that, it may not be the way he would prefer the romance. Instead, this is how the husband should romance the wife.

This, obviously, requires you to talk to your spouse and know what really is valuable to them. Because the object of marriage isn’t to get what you want when you want it. It is to give as much as you can to your spouse in a way that brings the most enjoyment to his or her life. If you make that your goal, your value in the eyes of your spouse will absolutely skyrocket.

– Steve Kroening

2006-08-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

33 Ways to Love Your Lover

MP readers share secrets for revving up romance

At the movies, share the armrest.
Save the last cookie or last piece of cake for your spouse.
Don't hog all the Jeopardy questions on TV.—Jim and Candace Walters; El Cajon, California
Squeeze toothpaste on your partner's toothbrush when you're doing your own.
Get your spouse's pajamas out and lay them on the bed.—Jodie, Joel and baby Caleb Haberstock; Vernon, British Columbia
Leave a favorite snack on the seat of your spouse's car.
Compliment your mate in front of friends or family.
Light a candle in the bedroom.—Michele Smither; Rochester, Michigan
Put down everything to greet your spouse at the end of the day.
Fill the gas tank in your mate's car—as a surprise.
Light candles with dinner.—Julie Jones and Greg Rohde; St. Louis, Missouri
Make a snack for both of you before bedtime.
Turn your socks right-side out before throwing them in the hamper.—Betty Arthurs; Tempe, Arizona
Be adventurous—meet for lunch at an ethnic restaurant you've never tried.
Choose a novel, then read it out loud to each other in the evenings.
Rent a movie you watched during your courtship days.—Donna and Ernie Siefert; Winfield, Illinois
Buy an "I Love You" card and mail it to your spouse at work.
Make plans to re-create your first date.
When the dryer buzzes, instead of looking at your mate, volunteer to fold the clothes.—Wayne Goff; Kansas City, Missouri
When one of you is indoors and the other outside, knock on the window and blow a kiss.
Don't put away stuff your spouse might want left out.
When you're finished driving, put the seat back to your mate's preferred position.—Amanda Brailsford-Urbina and Gerardo Urbina; Dearborn, Michigan
Hold hands instead of holding the remote control.—Conley J. Mercer; via e-mail
On cold mornings, go ahead and bring in the newspaper.
Kiss at stoplights.—Mike and Lesley Steenbergen; Garden Grove, California
Hide love notes around the house where your spouse will find them.
When you disagree, always acknowledge the possibility that you could be wrong.
When stopping for gas while traveling, buy a treat for your partner without buying anything for yourself.—Russell and Cynthia Atherton; via e-mail
Next time you shop for clothes, let your spouse vote on an outfit.
Get involved in a new ministry together.—Karen and Bruce Anderson; Spokane, Washington
Shower together and wash your spouse's back.
When your mate lies down on the couch, get him or her a pillow.Get to know your in-laws.—Rietta Hingston; Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

2006-08-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

Don't Let Bitterness Poison Your Marriage by Sabrina Beasley

For nearly two centuries, Beethoven's death was a mystery. The famous musician suffered from irritability, depression, and abdominal pain. His dying wish was that his illness would be discovered so that "the world may be reconciled to me after my death."

In 1994, two Americans launched a study to determine the cause of Beethoven's end. Chemical analysis of a strand of his hair showed his killer—lead poisoning.1

More than likely, it was a little poison in everyday activities that took his life. It could have come from drinking out of lead lined cups or having dinner on a lead lined plate—both common household items in that day. Or perhaps it came from eating contaminated fish or even the extensive consumption of wine. It didn't come in one lump sum, but the lead killed him slowly and quietly—one little bit of poison at a time.

That's also how bitterness destroys a marriage.

It stores itself in the soul, and slowly poisons the one who carries it. It's a blade meant for another that eventually severs the hand that tightly conceals it.

Recently, I have witnessed what a bitter wife does to a relationship.

The problems with her husband are real, and her anger is justified. However, what keeps their marriage from healing is not only the problems that he has to overcome, but also the prideful bitterness she guards in her heart.Little by little, day by day, she has allowed this bitterness to poison her.

Her husband will do something disappointing, and instead of confronting the problem, she silently holds it against him. He continues to make the same mistakes, and she continues to harbor her resentment. This pattern has gone on for years, and now the love she once felt has numbed and hardened her heart.

Recently she walked out on their marriage wearing a list of her husband's transgressions as her armor. Reflecting back on his behavior, she nurses her wounds with words that assure her that their marriage was a mistake—"I knew it all along," she says.

What Causes Bitterness?

In every marriage, a husband or wife does something that hurts the other. It's bound to happen because none of us is perfect. And in some cases, a spouse has a habit of doing the same thing over and over again, even after the behavior is confronted.

Bitterness comes when you hold onto hurt and refuse to forgive the person that hurt you. Most of the time, this comes as a result of ongoing actions of a small nature—lack of understanding, misuse of finances, harsh comments—that build up over time.

Each offense takes residence in the heart, and at some point there is no more room left before the wife has had enough. That's when bitterness is manifested and causes the most damage.

What's Wrong With Bitterness?
A hardened heart can cause a lot of pain. Here are three reasons why bitterness should be removed from your heart as soon as possible.

First, bitterness harbors unforgiveness.
You may feel justified in your anger.
You may think that your husband doesn't deserve your forgiveness until he straightens himself out. But have you forgotten the mercy that Jesus had for you? Romans 5:8 tells us that Christ died for us while we were yet sinners.
By God's grace, He didn't wait for us to "get our acts together" before He provided a way for forgiveness. He gave it to us freely even when we didn't deserve it. At Golgotha as the soldiers gambled for Jesus' clothing, the dying innocent Christ prayed, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34).

If forgiveness is given freely to us, how much more should we give it to our husbands? Not only should you desire forgiveness simply because it was given so freely to you, but also, the Bible tells us that there are consequences for unforgiveness. Jesus said, "If you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions" (Matthew 6:14-15).
Seek forgiveness not only for the sake of your husband, but also for yourself.

The other day, I found that my disappointment in my friend was turning into its own form of bitterness. So I sought the Scriptures for guidance. As always, the Word of God shone brilliant light on my own darkness. I was so moved by the verse I read that I wrote it down over and over until there was no more room left on the note page. "For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment" (James 2:13).

I wonder how many hurting marriages would be healed if Christian husbands and wives learned to love mercy as much as they love justice?

Second, bitterness doesn't give your husband a chance to repent. If you've been holding in your hurt, your husband may not even know he's offended you.

Bitterness often comes from hurt that has been suppressed without communication, like filling up a bottle with pressure—eventually that bottle will explode. In the same way, the outburst in your heart can result in a broken marriage, and your spouse never even saw it coming. In this case, go ahead and tell him what's been bothering you. Sit down and try to work it out.

Perhaps your husband does know of your unhappiness, but he chooses to continue in the same patterns. This does not negate your responsibility to remove the bitterness from your heart. You still need to give him the chance to repent, although stronger measures, such as, marriage counseling may need to take place.

You may ask, "How many times does he have to do something before I'm justified in my bitterness?"

In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter had a similar problem. He asked Jesus how many times he needed to forgive someone, even questioning as many as seven times. But Jesus said, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." No matter how many times your husband may do something, you are still responsible to forgive him.

(Note: If your husband is physically abusing you, get out of your house and do not stay there. A person who is physically abusive needs extensive counseling and rehabilitation. However, no matter how the situation ends, you can still work on forgiveness from the heart.)

Third, bitterness spreads. Have you ever seen a piece of moldy bread? It appears that there is only one ruined area, but if you looked at the bread through a microscope, you would see long roots spreading throughout the slice.
What appears on the surface doesn't reflect what's really happening below.

Bitterness grows the same way. One little bit of bitterness can start to spread throughout your heart, and contaminate your whole body. It will start to manifest itself in your attitude, demeanor, and even your health.

In addition, the spreading can also affect your children and your family. Have you ever noticed how one person's criticism makes everyone else critical, too? It's the same with bitterness. Paul compares it to yeast when he writes, "A little leaven, leavens the whole lump" (Galatians 5:6). When you bring bitterness into your life it extends to your family, your church body, and everyone else who is involved in your life.

Getting Rid of Bitterness
You may feel like there is little hope left for your marriage relationship. You may be so full of bitterness that you've convinced yourself that your marriage could never be healed, but let me assure you that the healing begins with yourself. With God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). Here are four steps to take to begin healing from bitterness.

First, confess your bitterness as a sin. It's so easy to justify our attitude when we've been hurt, but the Bible teaches that bitterness is a sin. Hebrews 12:14-15 says, "Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled…" You must seek peace with your husband and the grace to forgive.

Second, ask for God's strength to forgive your husband and diligently seek that forgiveness. In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul exhorts us to "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." It's hard to be tender-hearted to a man who has hurt you, but it is possible. We have the power to forgive because Christ forgave us, and He gives us strength through the Holy Spirit (Colossians 2:9-11).

Third, make a list of your hurts and find a time to talk to your husband about it. After you've made your list, pray about which things you can let go and which need to be resolved. If you can let them go, then do so. You may want to physically scratch off each one that you can forgive as an act of faith. Then for those transgressions that are left, ask God to give you the strength to talk to your husband about them. Before talking to your spouse, let him know that you plan to set aside some undistracted time for you to talk about some issues. As you talk, keep the discussion productive. Start by confessing your own sins to him. Then talk to him about your hurts. Don't just dump all your irritations and criticisms on him, but speak in love with gentleness and rationale. If you feel like you can't talk to your husband alone, then ask a pastor or mentor couple to join you in the discussion. Make sure your husband knows that someone else will be there. Once you begin, your spouse may deny his behavior or even become irritated. But the object of the discussion is to expose the wounds, not to accuse. Keep love the main motivator of your communication.

Fourth, worry about changing yourself, not your husband. You cannot change your spouse—only God can. But what you can do is allow God to change your heart. If you have a log of bitterness in your own eye, how can you take the speck out of your husband's eye? (Matthew 7:3). You, too, have made choices in this relationship that have hurt your husband and need to be mended. Even though your husband's sin goes unresolved for now, he will answer for them one day before God (Matthew 10:26).
In the same way, God will hold you responsible for the bitterness in your heart.

Footnotes:1. "Beethoven Was Poisoned", Thursday, 19 October 2000, News in Science.Taken from the August 2006 issue of The Family Room, FamilyLife's online magazine. www.FamilyLife.com/familyroom. Copyright © 2006. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

2006-08-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

Communicating for a Change
by Andy Stanley

Part 1

Outreach Magazine just released their annual list of the nation's largest and fastest growing churches. It is always encouraging, if not a little intimidating. (The dark side of me will often compare myself and think, "What about me? Am I doing anything significant for God?") Then, I remember, it is not about me. Oh, yeah.

When you are in as many churches as I am that are struggling, it is just encouraging to see churches that are thriving.

Here are some highlights:

The nation's largest church (Lakewood Church, Houston, TX) grew by 38%, from 32,500 to 45,000. That is an increase of 12,500 in one year. I am sometimes in larger churches that tell me it is really hard to sustain growth for a church our size.

230,000 attended the ten largest churches.

216,000 attended the next 15 largest churches. That is nearly half a million people attending at the 25 largest churches.

39 of the top 100 churches use multi-sites. This is clearly one of the biggest changes in church in my lifetime. See Warren Bird's new book on the subject.

Less than half of the top 100 churches are white.

There are over a hundred churches in the United States that have over 2000 in attendance AND are less than ten years old.
A million people, roughly 10% of all who attend church attend the top 1,210 churches. If seen as a denomination, these 1,210 congregations would be the third largest denomination in the United States, behind Catholics and Southern Baptists. A million people attend the top .3% of churches.

Outreach is my favorite magazine. I would highly encourage you to subscribe. For more information, see:
www.outreach.com
www.outreachmagazine.com

Also, see John Vaughan's web site. John Vaughn did the actual research and compiled the list for Outreach:
www.churchgrowthtoday.com

What do all these churches have in common? Not much. They are Charismatic and Charismatic-hating. They are contemporary and old fashioned. They are Sunday School based and home group based. They are seeker targeted and seeker hostile. They are of every denomination--and no denomination. They are found in every geographical area. They are found in cities and relatively small towns. Central Baptist Church, Jonesboro, AR made the list. I noticed it because my brother used to be on staff there. I have been to Jonesboro. It is, well, Jonesboro. This is not Atlanta or Dallas, this is Jonesboro for heaven's sake.

What do these churches have in common? Not much. But, they do have one thing in common. There is one thing that every single one of these churches shares in common--no exceptions. (Can I get a drum roll, please?)

They all have able communicators in the pulpit. Crowds do not throng to boring preaching. One of Thom Rainer's findings years ago is that the number one predictor of the growth of any church is the preaching ability of the preacher. People like to go where the preaching is interesting. In this issue of Outreach, Thom Rainer repeats this finding, "Our reseach has shown consistently that while megachurch growth can be explained a number of ways, one factor is pervasive [Note: ONE factor]: Megachurches have high quality preaching.

Let's take it down a level. Let's talk about Sunday School classes and small groups. The number one predictor of the growth of any group is the teaching ability of the leader.

This is not to say that other things don't matter. Everything matters. Music matters. Fellowship matters. Facilities matter. Everything matters. But, the thing that matters most, in terms of predicting the growth of any group, be it a small group or a mega-church is the communication ability of the communicator.

The importance of great preaching to the growth of churches and great teaching to the growth of classes is often missed because of one thing. When Bill Hybels teaches on how to become a prevailing church (his preferred term to growing church) it is a little brash for him to say, "The reason Willowcreek has grown is because of my great preaching." It may be brash of him to say, but it is true.
This is why I would like to ask you to join me in a commitment. If you are a communicator, I would like to challenge you to make a promise to God that for the rest of your life, as long as you get to do this thing called communication, you are going to work at getting better and better at it. I want to invite you to continually read the books, listen to the audio, take the classes and attend the seminars that will help you to be a better and better communicator.

"Where do I begin?" you might be asking? What do I read that will help me be a better communicator? I have good news for you. Every year, someone will write another great book on communication.

This year, the book is Andy Stanley and Lane Jones' new book Communicating for a Change.

Don't walk--run to your nearest book store and get this book- it is great. If I were a Pastor we would be studying this book with my teachers this fall. It is great. I rarely finish books. I devoured this one and will likely read it again. If Andy releases any audio, I will likely buy those and listen. It is just that good.

Communicating for a Change is divided into two sections. The first half is a story about a man who learned to preach from a truck driver. In this story, the authors weave into the conversation the seven principles of Communicating for a Change. The second half details the seven principles in a more straightforward way.

Principle #1: Determine your goal
There are three approaches to teaching adults:
·Teach the Bible to people
· Teach people the Bible
· Teach people how to live according to the Bible.

Andy subscribes to the last one. The point is not to make smarter sinners. The point is not to cover the material. The point is to teach people how to be doers of the word, not hearers only.
What is wrong with this rendition of the Great Commission:

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20 (NIV)

Did you find it? I left out two important words: "to obey." The text actually says, "teaching them to obey." That is the goal of effective teaching.

Andy tells the story of a conversation he has with one of their communicators. He--not Andy, the other guy--was trying desperately to keep everything straight in his head. He badly wanted to get it right, to do well. Andy called him to the side just before he was to speak and gave him a talk he has given to himself many times:

"How would you communicate this message if your eighteen year old boy had made up his mind to walk away from everything you have taught him morally, ethically and theologically unless he had a compelling reason not to. What would you say this morning if you knew that was at stake. Because for somebody's son out there today, this may be his last chance. Now, quit worrying about your outline. Go out there and plead your case like your son's future was at stake."

Principle #2: Pick a point
The goal is life-change. The point is the single area of life-change that we are seeking in this teaching. What is the one thing you want to communicate to your people this week? What is the one thing I want the to know? What do I want them to do about it?
I ought to be able to stop you before you walked into class and ask, "What are you going to teach today?" You ought to be able to say in one sentence. I ought to be able to ask any one of your students after class, "What did the teacher teach on today?" And, I ought to hear the same answer.

Andy is a big fan of the one-point sermon and not a big fan of the three point sermon. You might be thinking, "Well, what about his dad? Charles Stanley seems to have done O.K. with the three point sermon.

Andy talks about a conversation he had with his dad about this at their monthly breakfast meeting. "You have to have a burden," Charles said. "If you don't have a burden, it is just a bunch of fluff."

As they continued their conversation it became clear that when he talked about the burden, he was talking about the one thing. That one message, idea, principle or truth that just had to be communicated. The one thing isn't just information. It isn't just a carefully crafted phrase. It is literally a burden. It is a burden that weighs so heavily on the heart of the communicator that he or she must deliver it. Everyone knows whether the communicator is carrying a burden or dispensing information.

Principle #3: Create a map
Andy recommends a five-step process in communicating the one thing. He calls it ME-WE-GOD-YOU-WE.

ME: This section introduces the speaker to the audience and to the dilemma the speaker has been wrestling with.
Example: sometimes I find myself wondering about how to respond to certain situations in my marriage.

WE: In this section the speaker seeks to find common ground with the audience around this dilemma. We don't want to transition to the next section until we have created a tension that the audience is dying for you to solve. In other words, assume no interest.
Example: I imagine you have found yourself in situations where you didn't know what to do either.

God: In this section the speaker unpacks what the Bible has to say about the matter. Andy recommends that you avoid two extremes. We don't want to be so shallow that we fail to really deal with the text, but we also don't want to go so deep that we lose the audience. There is such a thing as teaching that is too deep for this audience at this time.
Example: The Bible has plenty to say about how husbands and wives are to relate to one another.

YOU: This is application. Imagine someone asked you after your teaching: "What do you want me to do about what you said today?" Again, you ought to be able to answer in a sentence or two. Andy Stanley rarely makes the application life-altering decisions. Rather, he prods people to take baby steps in the right direction--to try something today or this week.
Example: This week, I want to invite you to put the needs and desires of your spouse ahead of your own needs.

WE: This section is all about inspiration. It is about vision casting. If we can find one, use a heart warming story to drive the point home. Otherwise, perhaps a simple question would do.
Example: Imagine what would happen in a marriage where each person tried to put the needs of the other above their own needs.
This five-step approach to teaching is amazingly flexible and can work with virtually any material. It creates a great map for taking people from where they are to where you want them to be.

Next week we will look at the final four principles:
· Internalize the message
· Engage your audience
· Find your voice
· Start all over

Part 2

How to communicate like their life depended on it

It you really want to get the most out of Andy Stanley's great new book, here is what I recommend. Read the book. Then read it again (at least the back half). Then, watch some Andy Stanley sermons so you can see how he teaches the way he says.
This would be a great book to study with your group leaders.

Principle #4: Internalize the message
Before we can stand and deliver a message, we must own it. By own it, we mean you should be able to sit down at a table and communicate the message to a friend without notes. When you can tell your sermon, rather than preach it, you are ready to communicate. "I find something very disingenuous about a speaker who says, 'This is very, very important and then reads something from his notes. Constantly referring to notes communicates, 'I have not internalized this message. I want everyone else to internalize it, but I have not.'"
"How can I remember everything I want to say without notes?" Good question. They key is not to have too much to say. Specifically, have one thing to say. One thing. If you can reduce the message down to one thing, you have some hope of internalizing it within yourself and communicating it to your audience.

Here is an example. I could summarize my message to this: you can double your class in two years or less by inviting every member and every prospect to every fellowship every month.
Some have called this the "elevator pitch." Summarize the message in the time it takes the elevator to reach the next floor. If I had more time, I might add these sentences:

· A class of ten that doubles every 18 months can reach 1000 people in ten years. That is the power of doubling groups.
· Doubling a group in two years only means growing from 10 to 14 in a year. You can do this.
· One effective way of doing this is to give Friday Nights to Jesus--an informal time of Coffee Cake, Diet Coke, and Table Games. Invite your best friends, along with some absentees or prospects for the group. I have seen it happen more times than I can count that if I can get them to the party I could not keep them from class.
· If we love them, they will come, and they will come to love our Lord. Love at its best is simple. It is Diet Coke and table games and card playing and bowling pins and somehow in the mix off all that, people feel loved.

How would you summarize your lesson from last Sunday?

Andy Stanley recommends you reduce it to a well-worded statement summarizing the big idea. He often writes that on a card, and then holds it up and reads it. "I wanted to make sure I said this right, so I wrote it down."

Principle #5: Engage your audience
If communication can be compared to taking people on a journey, then it is imperative that we actually take them with us. A principle that every world-class communicator knows is this: presentation trumps information when it comes to engaging the audience. Attention and retention is determined by presentation, not information. Presentation matters. A lot. How you say what you say is every bit as important as what you say.

Somewhere along the line we bought into the lie that good content was all we needed to engage an audience. Not so. We need both something to say and we need to say it well.

Think about your favorite restaurant for a moment. My guess is they serve beef, chicken and fish. So does every other restaurant, including a lot of restaurants that you don't like. It is not about what they serve; it is about how they serve it.

Whatever else a person thinks about Jesus, they need to understand this. In the time Jesus was alive, people loved him or hated him. They were not neutral. Nobody fell asleep.
How do you do this? People engage easily when they are convinced you are about to answer a question they have been asking, solve a mystery they have been unable to solve, or resolve a tension that they have been unable to resolve.

But, what if they are not interested? Simply put, you have to manufacture interest. That is your job. If you give answers to questions that no one is asking, the information will likely fall on deaf ears.

Tips for engaging the audience. Andy spends a page or two on each one of these, but let me summarize these to bullet points here:
· Check your speed. Generally faster is better than slower, but there is such a thing as too fast.
· Slow down in the curves. Make sure everyone knows when you are going from point one to point two. Oh, I forgot, Andy is not big on points. Anyway, when you transition from one part of the talk to the next.
· Navigate through the text. In this section, Andy shares some practical and insightful ideas on how to make the text itself more engaging. Buy the book!
· Add something unexpected to the trip. Predictability is the death of learning. Surprise them.
· Take the most direct route. It is better to be clear than creative.

Principle #6: Find your voice
The goal is to communicate as well as the best of communicators, not to communicate like the best of communicators.
One thing Andy warns about at this point is listening to too much of one speaker to the exclusion of other speakers. In this MP3 era, it is important that we all listen to a variety of voices and eventually find our own.

It is also important that you don't use your style as a cover up for boring. Boring is not a style. It is just boring. Confusing might be a style. But, it is still confusing. "Style" can be a combination of bad habits.

In this chapter Andy tells a couple of stories of opportunities he has had to coach some world-class communicators. He doesn't mention any names, but you get the impression that if he did, we would all know who he is talking about. I found myself thinking, "Wow, what would it be like to have someone like Andy Stanley to coach me?"

How would you like to have a coach that was guaranteed to make you a better communicator listen to and evaluate some of your teachings? The best of communicators do this regularly. That is why they are the best. They have extraordinary talent and they work really hard at it. Sam Shaw used to ask me regularly, "How can I be better? How can I improve?"

Would you like a communication coach to help you? Here is an idea: be your own coach. Listen to a recording of your own teaching. Guaranteed you will discover countless ways to improve. If you really want to improve, watch a video. If you really, really want to improve, have your pastor, Minister of Education of some other person knowledgeable in communication to watch it with you.

Principle #7: Start all over
Sometimes we get stuck. Sunday comes, but the lesson never gets here. The big idea doesn't materialize. What do we do.

Step #1: pray. No kidding. Pray hard.
Step #2: four questions.

Question #1: What do they need to know? In light of my study this week, in light of what I know of my group. In light of my prayer time and what God is saying to me. In light of all of that, what do they need to know. Summarize it down to one sentence. One big idea.

Question #2: Why do they need to know it? In just about every teaching we do well to say, "This is why this is important." What will happen if they discover this truth and this truth really gets a hold of them? What is at stake? What happens if they don't?

Question #3: What do they need to do? What do you want them to do in response to what you have said? Be specific. Be creative. You don't have to ask for some big, monumental change. Oftentimes, a baby step in the right direction is better.
For example. Suppose you are doing a teaching on prayer. The bottom line could be, "So, pray!" A better approach might be to challenge the group to set their alarm 7 minutes earlier just for this week and spend seven minutes with God before they start their day this week.

Question #4: Why do they need to do it? Do a little vision casting. I might say, "Imagine a church where every group leader embraced the vision of 2 Timothy 2.2--of doubling a group every two years or less. What would it mean for that church? What would it mean for the teachers? What would it mean for the world? What would it mean for the next generation who grew up in a church like that?

Question #5: What can I do to help them remember? How can I say it in a way they have never heard it before? How can I say it in a way they will remember? How can I be creative? What props might I use? What questions might I ask? How can I make it stick?

The #1 predictor of the growth of any church is the preaching ability of the preacher. The #1 predictor of the growth of any class is the teaching ability of the teacher. There are only so many variables that affect the quality of the teaching:

· How much God-given talent you possess.
· The literature that you use. (Has only a modest affect in my estimation.)
· The amount of time and effort you spend on the lesson.
· The amount of time you spend evaluating your teaching.
· The number and quality of training you participate in.

If you are committed to being the best teacher you can be, I want to ask you to join me in making a life-long commitment to improvement in your teaching. And the baby-step toward that dream is to read and study Andy's excellent book, Communicating for a Change.

2006-08-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

The Nuclear Family ? A Nuclear Disaster
Dr. Chuck Betters

The 45th Psalm (as the superscription tells us) is a wedding Psalm. It becomes evident that the references could not possibly have applied to any of the Kings of the Old Testament. In fact, when we compare Psalm 45:6 with Hebrews 1:7-8 (where Psalm 45:6 is quoted) the King spoken of is clearly identified as the Lord Jesus Christ.

Psalm 45:6 Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom.

Hebrews 1:7-8 In speaking of the angels he says, "He makes his angels winds, his servants flames of fire."[8] But about the Son he says, "Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever, and righteousness will be the scepter of your kingdom.

Thus, Psalm 45 is Messianic in nature and points us to the great relationship between Christ and His church. He is the Bridegroom and the Church is the Bride. But what is the character of this relationship since every Christian marriage is to be a microcosm of that relationship?

The Character of a Godly Marriage
Christ has loved us with such a great love that we are constrained by His love. Likewise, in our homes we ought to be constrained by a love for our spouses and consumed with the thoughts of them.

Psalm 45:1 My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king; my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.
John Calvin translated this verse this way: ?My heart boils over with a good matter.? The writer's mind (that is, the church or the bride) is so filled up with what she is about to say concerning her husband that she cannot contain herself. Her tongue is full of the praises of the skillful writer.
Just as nothing or nobody should ever compete with our love for God so ought there to be no desire for any other man or woman to compete for our spouse's love.

Psalm 45:2 You are the most excellent of men and your lips have been anointed with grace, since God has blessed you forever.
In other words, this wife's admiration and love for her husband bubbles over and she tells him so. There is no man like you. There is no wisdom laced with such grace as you possess.?

Our Homes: Safe Places
And Just as we are safe in the arms of Christ so our homes ought to be safe havens for our children and spouse - vv.3-5.

Psalm 45:3-5 Gird your sword upon your side, O mighty one; clothe yourself with splendor and majesty. In your majesty ride forth victoriously in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness; let your right hand display awesome deeds. Let your sharp arrows pierce the hearts of the king's enemies; let the nations fall beneath your feet.

The Groom as Protector
The word "mighty" is used of God. But where does His might come from? To "gird the sword?" is to prepare for battle. He does so with "splendor and majesty". He is our protector. The groom protects the bride. The weapons of our warfare (Ephesians 6) in the battle against the home are to be found in the sword of the spirit that is the word of God.
We may have all of the other pieces of armor outlined in Ephesians 6 in place. But without a weapon we are merely on the defensive. That weapon is the Word of God, the standard of truth that shapes who we are and how we live. It is by embracing the spirit of Christ incarnate in His written Word that marriages and homes are equipped for warfare.

And what is that Spirit? It was not by force, coercion, or manipulation Christ established His kingdom. It was not with fear or intimidation. It was not with an ?I win and you lose? battle strategy. Christ builds His church, not with carnal weapons of warfare, but with His own spiritual weapons. Jesus is the armor of God. The church wears or puts on Christ who is our helmet of salvation, breastplate of righteousness, and our shield of faith. He wraps our spiritual loins (the greatest area of vulnerability) with the truth of the Gospel. It is in our spiritual loins where we are most prone to succumb to doctrinal error and heresy that Satan finds fertile soil. They are the lies and false doctrines that usually hit us in our most vulnerable point. We combat error with truth.

Nuclear Family: Nuclear Disaster
Look at how the home has come under attack. There no longer is sanctity and fidelity in our marriages. Most surveys prove that much of the thinking embraced by our sinful culture concerning marriage and its permanence has filtered its way into the thinking of the church. We divorce and live in non-nuclear families at the same rate as the rest of the world. The roles of men and women in marriage have become blurred. The structures of those roles are hidden in a holocaust of compromise and gender neutrality. For many, wedding bands no longer symbolize marriage faithfulness but rather a challenge to the aggressor. And now more than ever it is the children who dictate the temperature of the home.

There is nothing more dangerous than a family that has been lulled to sleep and is not watchful. That is why the feet must be ready to move. Wars are not won by retreat but by surprising the enemy. Roman soldiers were given the best shoes with which to go to war. That is why they could travel many more miles on foot than their enemies thought. Their feet were shod. And that's why we must shod our feet with God's protective gear.
Above all, the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, is what gives our homes safety. This is what gives your children confidence and security - to know mom and dad will make decisions based upon the teachings of the word.

Honor Your Spouse as God Honors His Son
Just as Jesus is exalted to the highest place by His Father so are we to exalt our spouses to the highest place among men.

Psalm 45:6-9 Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom. You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy. [8] All your robes are fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia; from palaces adorned with ivory the music of the strings makes you glad. Daughters of kings are among your honored women; at your right hand is the royal bride in gold of Ophir.

God hates sin but loves the sinner. Here we are called His companions. Elsewhere we are called His brethren, friends, heirs, children, sheep, and lambs. There are simply not enough words to describe how God feels about us. This is the way we ought to feel about our spouses as well as our children. Instead of calling them dummies who will never amount to anything, or idiots, or the cause of you entering an early grave, they are your children, your spouse, your lover, your best friend, your completer, your confident, your fine china.

Dr. Chuck Betters has been the pastor of Glasgow Reformed Presbyterian Church in Bear, Delaware since 1986. He has a daily radio program, airing since 1994, In His Grip, which can be accessed online at www.markinc.org. Along with the development of numerous audio and video resources designed to help heal broken hearts, he is also co-author of Treasures of Faith, Living Boldly in View of God's Promises, a Bible study of Hebrews 11. For the full audio message of this article, visit www.markinc.org and order the two-part series, Family Love - Part 1: Marry the Right Person?; Part 2: Nuclear Family, Nuclear Disaster.

2006-08-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

How to be Thankful When You Don’t Feel Like It
by Adrian Rogers

Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:20

Frankly, sometimes I don’t feel very thankful. Yet as God’s children, we are to thank Him all the time for everything. But there are some very bad things that happen to the child of God: sickness, sorrow, disappointment, death, divorce, etc.
Why does God allow these things, and how can we possibly give Him thanks always and for all things?

The Sin Factor
First, we must remember that we live in a world that is cursed with sin and filled with sorrow. Romans 8:22 says, “For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain…” Natural disasters are results of sin’s curse.
Our bodies also bear a curse. We are “the children of wrath” (Ephesians 2:3). Romans 5:12 says, “…by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin…” Everyone of us have a terminal illness; we’re headed for death. Our physical frailties are reminders of this curse.
This is not the world God created it to be; it has been marred by sin. But we can thank God that one day He will create a new heaven and a new Earth. The curse will be undone, and creation will be delivered.

The Chastisement Factor
We may, in difficult times, find ourselves under the chastening hand of God. Hebrews 12:5-6 teaches, “… My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord,…For whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom He receiveth.”
His chastening doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us; it means that He loves us too much to let us get away with sin. At times like that, we ought to thank Him.

The Dependence Factor
In his book Crowded to Christ, Dr. L.E. Maxwell proposes that God gives us problems so we will depend on Him.
For example, Paul asked God to remove his “thorn in the flesh.” (2 Corinthians 12:8). God answered in verse nine: “…My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Then Paul stated, “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me…” If our troubles cause us greater dependency, we thank God.

The Maturity Factor
God teaches us great lessons and matures us during difficult times. Psalm 119:67 says, “Before I was afflicted I went astray: but now have I kept Thy word.”
Romans 8:28-29 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.” And His purpose is for us “to be conformed to the image of His Son…” If affliction causes us to mature spiritually, then we can thank God for it.

The Patience Factor
Could it be that God is simply working patience in us? Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart…”
Sometimes, we ask, “Why doesn’t God do something?” But God might be doing something by not doing anything else. If God is teaching us the virtue of patience, shouldn’t we thank God?

The Ministry Factor
When bad things happen, they may enable us to minister to others. Second Corinthians 1:3-4 states, “Blessed be…the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”
I’ve seen Joyce comfort women who have lost a baby because we’ve been through that. If we experience tribulation, then we should give God thanks for making us usable.

The Glory Factor
Somehow, when we suffer and yet praise God; it gives Him glory. First Peter 4:12-13 states, “Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you…But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when His glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy...”
Stephen was not delivered from being stoned for his faith (Acts 7). But to this day, we are talking about his faith and how God’s glory was all over him. If God is being glorified in our lives, we should praise Him.

The Mystery Factor
We may never understand why some things happen, but God is sovereign. In Isaiah 55:8, God says, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith the LORD.”
Sometimes, we feel that God owes us an explanation; but if God loved us enough to send His Son to die for us on the cross, we never have to doubt His love. We can trust God and obey Him — regardless of the circumstances or consequences.
Real faith is not primarily receiving from God what we want, but it is accepting what He gives. He is good and faithful. So thank Him and praise Him anyway.

Monday, July 25, 2005
http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Love_Worth_Finding/article.asp?article_id=1053

2006-08-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

Perseverance in Marriage
Dr. Chuck Betters

Knowing the right thing to do is fairly easy. Doing the right thing is much harder. Not long ago God convicted a good friend of ours, Ellen, about her hateful behavior toward her husband. In spite of his claim to Christianity, he was unloving, impatient, and sometimes even cruel to her and to their children. She had begun screaming right back at him and using her own forms of mental and emotional attack to get him back.

Her husband had met an attractive woman through work and an old boyfriend had entered Ellen's life. Disaster loomed over this Christian family, struggling to raise children to love Jesus.

Focus on Your Own Behavior
Desperate to save her marriage, Ellen asked an older, wiser woman in the church to teach her how to love her husband in a way that would honor God. In their very first meeting, the two women agreed their discussions would focus on the wife's behavior, not her husband's sins. In each session Ellen renewed her commitment to respond to her husband in a godly manner. The older woman warned Ellen that obedience would require faith in God's love and presence and the power to obey would come through God's enabling grace.

Life would probably get harder before it got better.

Ellen soon learned that making a commitment to love her husband was far easier than actually loving her husband, day in and day out. Sometimes loving him meant she had to suffer in silence. At other times, loving him meant praying and then speaking quietly, in courage and strength, when she needed to confront him about his ungodly behavior. Ellen learned that her life indeed did get much tougher for a while, but that by faith she had to stay the course of obedience and trust God to supply grace for each moment.

Ellen committed herself to several crucial elements:
· Soaking in God's Word and acting on His instructions
· Learning from an older wiser woman how to revere and respect her husband
· Staying connected to a circle of friends who encouraged her to godliness
· Refusing to criticize her husband to others
· Staying focused on her own behavior

God's Sandpaper
She embraced her marriage as God's sandpaper, designed to drive her to His love and strength, designed to round off the sharp corners of her heart so that she reflected the very characteristics she longed to see in her husband. No matter how her husband responded, she would grow in godliness.

This young woman wanted to honor God in her marriage, but betrayal, pettiness and downright hatred had turned their home into a kind of prison, one in which she, her husband, and her children were all trapped. The only way to break down those walls was faithful obedience on her part. While still not sure how ?the story will end,? Ellen has committed herself to God, His people, and His Word, trusting Him to rescue her family from a situation that seems - to everyone else - all but hopeless. God will not fail her.

The Rest of the Story
Though the journey has been hard and long for Ellen and her husband, they now enjoy a home that is more peaceful, respectful and gentle then it has ever been. In time her husband started meeting with a group of godly men who challenged him to genuinely love his wife as Christ loves the church. Both Ellen and her husband know that they must always stay connected to God's Word and His people in order to stay accountable for reflecting Christ in their marriage.

Your Prison
In what prison do you live? Is it time to see those bars as God's invitation to come to Him, to experience forgives and redemption and to learn how to extend His compassion to others? Let me know if we can help you to meet the Savior in a way that will give you hope and strength for your pathway of faith.

Dr. Chuck Betters is pastor/teacher of MARK INC Ministries. This article is adapted from Treasures of Faith, Living Bolding in View of God's Promises by Chuck and Sharon Betters, pg. 232-234, 236: P & R Publishing. To contact Dr. Betters or order Treasures of Faith visit www.markinc.org.

2006-08-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

If Teacups Could Talk
by Kathy Helvey

I love collecting china teacups! One of the most enjoyable parts of my day is preparing a cup of hot tea in one of my favorite cups.

First, I have to brew the tea just right and pour it through a strainer. Of course, the right amount of sugar is a must, or Splenda if I'm on a diet. Then I sit down, relax, and enjoy my cup of tea in a quiet place.

As I look beyond my home to the world, I see people as a unique collection of china teacups with different things being poured into their lives. Sometimes the brew may be sweet and enjoyable. Other times it will be bitter and hard to swallow, lukewarm, or even cold.

But there is a difference between a cup of tea and life. When we brew tea ourselves, we can put it aside or throw it away if it's not to our liking. That's not so with life's cup of tea. We have to drink it. How we go about swallowing those difficult cups of life depends upon what we know and believe about the nature of our life's "tea strainer."

A Bitter Brew
Five years ago, I was faced with having to identify the nature of my life's tea strainer.
Early that year, my parents were in a terrible car accident in Minnesota where they were living. My dad died instantly, and my mom was in critical condition for ten days. As we buried Dad, I remember thinking the horrible thought that we might have to plan Mom's funeral next. She did survive, though, after four months of hospitalization and rehab. I made a lot of road trips up to Minnesota during that time.

It was mid summer when I returned from my last trip to Minnesota to move my 80-year-old "Miracle Mom" from rehab back into her own house. After my wonderful husband, Bob, welcomed me home, he told me that he was going to have open-heart surgery—a quadruple bypass—the next week! We had been down that same road 10 years earlier, and all the old familiar fears, anxious thoughts, and "what ifs" came pouring out of my cup, spilling over into my saucer.

About six weeks after Bob was on the road to recovery, our autistic daughter, Stephanie, experienced her first bipolar psychotic episode (although at the time we didn't know that's what it was). In her highly confused state she ran away from home. Thankfully, we were able to find her quickly, but two more of these hellish bipolar episodes, lasting three weeks each, happened again before the year was over.

My cup was a very bitter brew, and I didn't like it one bit! There was absolutely no sugar in it, and I certainly didn't relax and enjoy it.

Three Essential Truths

But at the beginning of that year, I read Jerry Bridges' book Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts. I discovered some things about the "tea strainer of my life."

Bridges writes:
In the arena of adversity, the Scriptures teach us three essential truths about God—truths we must believe if we are to trust Him in adversity. They are: God is completely sovereign, God is infinite in wisdom, and God is perfect in love. Someone has expressed these three truths as they relate to us in this way: "God in His love always wills what is best for us. In His wisdom He always knows what is best, and in His sovereignty He has the power to bring it about."

These three truths (that God is completely sovereign, infinite in wisdom, and perfect in love) went from my head to my heart as I drank from my life's cup during that year.

There's a promise in the Old Testament that reminds me of God's perfect love: "I am the Lord your God. I go before you, I am with you, and I'll never leave you or fail you. Do not be discouraged or afraid" (Deuteronomy 31:8).

This is such a beautiful picture to me of God's sovereignty, going ahead of me on a path. Like a shepherd, He clears away all the things He knows I won't be able to handle. Then He comes back to get me. In His infinite wisdom and perfect love, He guides me along life's path and promises not to leave me or fail me. And at times He carries me over the roughest parts, reminding me not to be discouraged or afraid.

Now, will I be discouraged or afraid to drink life's cup at times? Oh yes! But I don't have to be … because now I know and believe in the nature of my life's tea strainer. I also have the confidence that as I drink, even though I can't taste the goodness of it, or understand the why of what's in my cup, in the end I know it will be good for me. I don't have to be discouraged or afraid because it's all been "Father filtered" from a loving, wise, sovereign God.

What would this world be like if we were to really see people as china teacups with signs on them saying, "Fragile, handle with care"? There would be some beautiful designer cups, along with some exquisitely hand painted ones. Others would be made from the finest bone china. And alongside these would be cups with chips, cracks, stains, or broken handles. Some may have even lost their saucers.

Oh, if teacups could talk, what would they say? Plenty! And as we listen to what they're saying, we'd all do well to remember an ancient Indian prayer that says: "Great Spirit, grant that I may not criticize my neighbor, until I've walked a mile in his moccasins."

Or to put it another way … let's not judge another, unless we've drunk from their cup of brew!

Read more articles about dealing with tragedy and the sovereignty of God from familylife.com:God has Not Forgotten You, a 31-day devotional by Leslie Barner."Hearing the Voice of God in the Storm" by Tim Senn."Job: One Man's Walk through Tragedy" by Mike Pickle."Standing Strong in the Storms of Life" by Dennis Rainey."Where is God When You Hurt?" by Barbara Rosberg.Taken from the February 2006 issue of The Family Room, FamilyLife's online magazine. www.FamilyLife.com/familyroom. Copyright© 2006. All rights reserved.
About the Author:
Kathy Helvey began her love for tea while living for 15 years in Australia and New Zealand. She and her husband, Bob, have three children and have been on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ for 30 years. They reside in Little Rock, Arkansas, where they work for FamilyLife.

http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=1043&page=1&keywords=

2006-08-14T17:59:00.000-07:00

Challenging Questions
by Dennis Rainey

Carl Sandburg wrote, "One of the things that America needs to rediscover is the art of creative solitude."

He was referring to our need to think—our need to mentally tackle thorny issues.

The reason we need to think is that we don't need the same conclusions that are based on many of the same old wrong values. "Sameness" is often comfortable, isn't it? But don't forget, Jesus came to bring change, to challenge traditional thinking. He continually talked about our need for transformation. Something new. Something original—not more mundane conformity. New "stuff."

I'm going to share with you some questions that I've been grappling with. You know, those piercing, thorny questions that no one wants to face.

Remember Br'er Rabbit? Br'er Rabbit loved the briar patch. To him it was home. He thrived in a spot that most of us avoid at all costs. Everybody ought to have a briar patch, so allow me to lead you into mine. A patch full of prickly questions. I hope they challenge your thinking.

Jump in and risk a thorn or two. This may be the first article you need to read with gloves on!

The Briar Patch

Does Jesus Christ change lives ... I mean really change people?
If He does, then why are there 50 million people in America who claim to be born again Christians who are making so little impact on society today?
Why do so many apparently neglect the issues of abortion, pornography, and sexual permissiveness?
I wonder what kind of kids we will raise?
I wonder if they'll just scratch their heads about our apathy or will they clench their fists in rebellion and reject a religion that appears socially worthless?
Can a person be born again and not do anything about evil?

Why do less than 10 percent of Christians regularly share their faith?
Why are we afraid to witness to our neighbors—when their eternal destiny is at stake?
Why are we ashamed of the Good News of Christ's death for people's sins?
Why is there no need to persecute and ultimately put to death Christians today?

.Why do we talk so little about hell?
About judgment?
About Divine accountability?
Why are we so serious about the things that are passing away and so casual about the things that are eternal?
How can we be consistently troubled by pictures of starving children in third world countries and never do any thing tangible about it ... except feel sorry for them?

Why are so many Christian men aggressive leaders at work and passive, disengaged blobs at home?
Why are we so embarrassed about talking to our kids about sex and decide, by silent default, to let the world teach them its distorted values about this holy gift from God?
Why don't we talk to them about how the world perverts and degenerates what God has designed?
Why do so many say they are going into secular work to make it their ministry and have little or no fruit to show for their "call of God"?
Why does the business world continually get so many of the most talented, gifted, and well-trained Christians?
Why do they end up helping big business make its millions while there is a leadership crisis in the church today?
Why does the Bible seem to omit the subject of our careers and talk so much about our character?
How come churches that deny the deity of Christ, undermine the authority of the Scriptures, and call God "She" have so many cars parked out front on Sunday morning?

I wonder if we should keep on driving by, Sunday after Sunday—or go in and challenge them publicly?

Remember, Jesus did!

Why does the fear of risk and failure paralyze us, keeping us from trying new ideas, new vistas, and attempting the impossible for Christ?
Why does it seem there are so few good, wholesome models for our kids?
Why does it seem that many of our adult "heroes" are falling like flies?
Why have numerous ministers and missionaries washed out of the ministry because of immorality and huge character flaws?
Why am I tempted to become cynical and distrustful of everyone?
Why am I surprised by failures in God's people when the entire New Testament is a chronology of struggling saints and defective disciples who saw Christ alive from the dead?
Why do we expect so much from our pastor yet don't shoulder the load of ministry with him? Why do we seldom write a letter to our pastor thanking him for his labor of love to our lives and family?
Why do so many pastors suffer in secret from depression?
Why are so many pastors leaving the ministry today?
How come Jesus said that a man's cancelled checks are the real statement of his values?
How come we make more but give less?Why do we see few elderly Christians who are living vital, contagious Christian lives?
Did God sanction retirement?
Why don't we call our mom or dad more frequently?
Why does their mailbox so seldom carry our message of appreciation and honor?
I wonder if I'll want my children to write when I grow old?
How could any Christian live a business-as-usual, mundane life and experience so little of the supernatural work of God in his or her life, and be content?
Why do the things that are so valuable get so little of our time and attention?
Why do things that won't matter 10 years from today bother us and make us angry?
Why are we so nonchalant about the legacy we will leave?

Why are so many Christian parents so negative about children?
Why are there a growing number of Christian couples who can have children but choose not to?Why do so many of us treat Jesus Christ like a spare tire?
Why do we get so serious about God when we've got a flat tire, and so complacent when prosperity opens up a smooth road to us?

Why do so many Christians counsel other Christians to get a divorce?
Why is the divorce rate within the walls of the church approaching that of what it is in the world?

Why do many Christians seem to fail to grapple and struggle with their mission or sense of purpose in life?
Why is there so little urgency in the church for the Great Commission?
What are we waiting for?

Can American Christians be blasé when our brothers and sisters in foreign countries have little of the training, leadership, and materials that we have there?
Why don't we talk much about the second coming of Jesus Christ anymore?

Why don't we like to ask ourselves these questions?
Why do we seldom come to any kind of answer, conclusion, or conviction and act upon it?

And one last question: Why will many of us be sorry we didn't take God more seriously when one day we shall stand before Him and give a complete account of our lives?

About the Author:
Dennis Rainey is the president of FamilyLife, a division of Campus Crusade for Christ. He and his wife, Barbara, co-authored the best-selling books Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem and Moments Together for Couples. Dennis hosts the nationally syndicated "FamilyLife Today" radio program and has spoken at conferences around the country. The Raineys have six children and eight grandchildren.

2006-08-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

"There Cannot Be a Shadow Without a Light"
by Sabrina Beasley

"I love you, Daddy," said 6-year-old Elizabeth as she ended the conversation with her father, MSG Tre Ponder. At the time he was in Afghanistan training aviators for the Army. "I love you, too," he told her.

It was a sweet conversation on a seemingly normal evening—June 27, 2005. Tre routinely called each night before he went to bed. "[I remember] laughing," says Tre's wife, Leslie. "It was a nice conversation … It felt good."

She had no way of knowing that would be the last time she would talk with her husband.

"We Valued Marriage"

Their friends said they had the perfect marriage and the perfect family. Tre and Leslie became high school sweethearts in 1986, but they went to separate colleges. It wasn't until Tre joined the Army that they started dating again. "We knew we belonged together," Leslie says. They were married shortly after that in 1994.

Tre, Leslie, and their two daughters, Samantha, 7, and Elizabeth, 6, were happy in their military home. The Ponders were aware of the strains of military marriages—the problems that come with long separations and unpredictable circumstances. In fact, they were called off of their honeymoon when Tre was sent to Haiti for Operation Uphold Democracy.

They had seen many of their friends go through divorce, so they worked hard to keep their marriage strong. "There were a lot of compromises," Leslie says. For example, Tre was an avid hunter, so Leslie learned to hunt. Leslie loved to attend plays, so Tre learned to appreciate the arts.

In April 2005, the couple went to one of FamilyLife's Weekend to Remember conferences. "We valued marriage … and we both put our marriage first," Leslie says, "Divorce was never an option for us." In the weeks following the conference, they even participated in the "Take It Home" activities found in the conference manual. "We experienced a closer intimacy because of it," Leslie later wrote.

A Dangerous Job
Tre was a "Night Stalker," part of a unit that services all military Special Forces (like the Navy Seals and Army Rangers) behind enemy lines. Night Stalkers usually work in the cover of darkness, bringing supplies, taking troops in and out of enemy territory, and addressing other needs, like coming to the aid of soldiers in danger.

It was a risky job, and Leslie knew that when she married him. "But he was Tre … He was my husband, the father to our children. I knew he was a soldier, but the military didn't define him."

In Afghanistan, Tre hung up the phone with his family, showered and went to bed. Later, he was awoken with an urgent message. There were four Navy Seals trapped on a mountaintop, surrounded by enemy fighters. The Seals had called for support, knowing they were outnumbered. Even though it was the middle of the day, an unusual occasion for Night Stalkers, they took a chance so that these soldiers could be rescued.

Tre was in Afghanistan only to train and had no obligation to go on the flight, but he signed up as a crew member because they were shorthanded. As the helicopter approached the mountain, it was struck by an insurgent grenade launcher and crashed. All 16 soldiers on that aircraft, including MSG Tre Ponder, died that day, along with three of the four Navy Seals that they came to rescue.

A Light of Covenant-Keeping Love
Leslie was asked to put together pictures for a slideshow in Tre's honor for the funeral. "I was flipping through these photographs … and it hit me how much he wasn't there," Leslie says. "But then I looked over at the growing stacks of photographs of him [at home], and I [thought] while he was here, he did so much with us. It wasn't the amount of time he had with us; it was what he did with that [time]."

When Tre was home, he was home.

Not long after the funeral, Leslie was writing thank you notes when she found the manuals from the Weekend to Remember conference that they had attended. She opened Tre's book and found pages filled with notes all around the margin and in blank spaces. Eventually she came to the love letter that Tre wrote to her during a couples project that weekend. That's when she decided to write this letter to FamilyLife:

Dear Mr. Rainey:

I do not exactly know what I want to say to you. I just feel called to write. So please excuse the ramblings—this is from the heart. In April of this year, my husband and I attended the Weekend to Remember conference in Nashville, Tennessee.

We were high school sweethearts in Franklin and over half our lives were spent together. We are 36 and started dating at 16. Tre and I could not have been happier with our lives together and our lives with our two daughters. Our marriage is very solid, built on God and His principles. Friends always called us the perfect couple with the perfect family.

Our world fell apart on June 28, 2005 when insurgents shot down my husband's helicopter in Afghanistan … I do not understand God's plan but I do know that He is sovereign and His arms will continue to hold Samantha, Elizabeth, and me as we try to make it day to day.

A few weeks before his accident, he was already in Afghanistan and I e-mailed him asking him what his favorite Bible verse was and why. He responded with Romans 3:21-31 and said verse 25 was the "meat and taters." He went on to write that he is not ashamed of his faith and "above all, I love planting seeds for God."

I cannot be more proud of Tre—of his faith, of his beliefs, of his job and of his love. I am so extremely blessed to be his wife. I know that Samantha, Elizabeth, and I are in a very dark place right now—it is lonely and scary—but I do also know that as we walk in the valley of the shadow of death, there cannot be a shadow without a light—the light of Christ Jesus.

Thank you, Mr. Rainey, for your organization and the wonderful memories I have of my and Tre's Weekend to Remember. They are cherished and help me in dark times.

God's blessings,

Leslie Ponder

Rainey was so moved by the letter that he decided to call Leslie. Rainey says that he found her to be a person "with a remarkable faith … not blaming God, not blaming the government, but trusting in Him and wanting to walk in obedience."

The battle for military marriages is a difficult fight. Since 2001 the divorce rate has doubled among military personnel, and 20 percent of all marriages in the Army end in divorce within two years after going to war. But Tre and Leslie Ponder were a shining example of commitment in the military world. Each year since 1999, FamilyLife grants the Robertson McQuilkin Award to a spouse that has exhibited courageous, covenant-keeping love. This past November 8, Leslie Ponder was the seventh to receive the award.The statuette and certificate were presented by Rainey, who said, "Leslie, your commitment and Tre's to one another is indeed a light. In the midst of the valley of the shadow of death, it's a light of covenant-keeping love between two people. … On behalf of the people your husband sought to defend, and on behalf of us as a nation … thank you for standing by your husband and for remaining committed and for being a model of what covenant-keeping love looks like."

2006-08-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

Are You at Risk for An Affair?
by Dave Carder

Editor’s Note: On the April 24-28, 2006 "FamilyLife Today" broadcast from the series Affairs: Before and After, hosts Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine mention Dave Carder's questionnaire and evaluation for predicting how vulnerable an individual is to having an affair.

I originally created an evaluation like the one below to identify, prior to adultery, individuals in the ministry who were at risk for infidelity. Yet it applies to anyone – not just to pastors, although those with Christian backgrounds will identify most closely with it.

First, though, a caveat: This is not a scientific instrument, and it should not be used as such. It does not have absolute predictive power. Rather, it is meant to be used as a tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop. It is designed to help you evaluate your personal history and lifestyle for parallels with those who have been involved in adultery.

Personal Patterns Predicting Infidelity
Personal and Family History

Did you grow up in a family that used a substantial amount of alcohol?
__________ Yes __________ No

Were your parents strict disciplinarians, possibly even abusive at times?
__________ Yes __________ No

Were you sexually molested as a child?
__________ Yes __________ No

Did you experience early adolescent heterosexual activity with an older partner (baby-sitter, older sister's friend)?
__________ Yes __________ No

Were you involved in pornography prior to puberty (magazines, video)?
__________ Yes __________ No

While you were living at home, was either of your parents involved in an extramarital affair?__________ Yes __________ No

Were you sexually active with a variety of partners in adolescence?
__________ Yes __________ No

Lifestyle Patterns

Please use the following criterion to answer questions 8-25:
The higher the score, the truer the statement.

As an adolescent I did not get along with authority figures, and I continue to have conflict with the law and my supervisor.
1 2 3 4 5

I feel driven, unable to relax or have fun.
1 2 3 4 5

My self-control and anger management skills are strengths in my life. 1 2 3 4 5

I like testing the limits that surround me, such as the speed limit, tax and banking laws, church policies, and so on.
1 2 3 4 5

I enjoy getting through a project so that I can get on with the next one. It is important to me to have a number of projects waiting for my attention.
1 2 3 4 5

I feel alone even in my marriage and am unable to share my fears, deepest feelings, and the longings of my heart with my spouse.
1 2 3 4 5

I recognize in myself the tendency toward compulsive behavior, such as food, exercise, work, spending or saving money, fast driving, and so on.
1 2 3 4 5

I have lots of acquaintances and appear to be close to my family members, but I don't have one intimate friend.
1 2 3 4 5

I like to win and am a fierce competitor in whatever I do.
1 2 3 4 5

My dating life was marked by a series of broken relationships that I ended. 1 2 3 4 5

I feel stressed out, almost numb, from all the demands of my responsibilities in life.
1 2 3 4 5

I like to be around important people and find myself playing up to them.
1 2 3 4 5

My financial history contains a series of bounced checks, a large debt-to-income ratio, poor credit, regular use of credit cards to support my lifestyle, or possibly even bankruptcy. 1 2 3 4 5

I have trouble expressing my anger in ways that provide relief without wounding others emotionally.
1 2 3 4 5

I don't mind conflict and find that it actually helps me feel better and more in control. 1 2 3 4 5

I like to see what I can get away with by living "close to the edge."
1 2 3 4 5

An area that the Lord has to help me with is a tendency to harbor grudges and a desire for revenge.
1 2 3 4 5

Most of those who know me would say I am intense, easily irritated, and have high standards of excellence.
1 2 3 4 5

Circumstantial Factors
Give yourself 5 points for each of the items you have experienced within the past year.

Lost a close loved one (child, parent, spouse). _____

Suffered a major stressor (job loss or promotion, divorce, medical diagnosis or hospitalization, cross-country move). _____

Approached a major life transition (pregnancy, midlife, retirement). _____

Test Scoring
Questions 1-7 "Yes" answers count 10 points each. If all seven questions are answered yes, give yourself an additional 40 points.Total score for questions 1-7: _____

Questions 8-25 Total the numbers that you circled.Total score for questions 8-25: _____

Questions 26-28 Five points for each category experienced.Total score for questions 26-28: _____

Total Score: _____

Evaluation of Score
Questions 1-7. A score over 50 for this section places you in the high risk group.
Questions 8-25. A score over 70 for this section places you in the high risk group.
Questions 26-28. These are the trigger mechanisms that often send a person at risk into an affair.Total score. A score over 100 places you in the high risk group.

One word of warning - high risk individuals are more vulnerable than they realize. Whatever you do, do not discount your initial score - talk it over with your spouse, and start working on some of the issues discussed in this book.

Excerpted from Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs © 1999 by David M. Carder and R. Duncan Jaenicke. Used by permission of Moody Publishers. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Moody Publishers.

About the Author:
Dave Carder is the author of the book and workbook Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extramarital Affairs. He is pastor of counseling ministries at First Evangelical Free in Fullerton, Calif. In addition to a full counseling schedule, he oversees the Lay Counseling program, COMI (Caregivers of the Mentally Ill) support group, and the Gift Shop. Dave and his wife, Ronnie, have four children and three grandchildren.

2006-08-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

10 Ways to Romance Your Husband

The following tips come from the new FamilyLife resource, Simply Romantic Tips to Romance Your Husband.

One free tip before you start—print out this page and keep it somewhere handy for fresh and creative ways of fanning the flames of romance in your marriage.

1. Write him a check for one hundred kisses. Be available to cash the check for him when and where he likes.

2. The next time you're out to dinner, casually take out a pen and write a note to him on a paper napkin—letting him know what he can look forward to at home. Fold it and slide it across the table.

3. As he heads out for work, give him a passionate kiss. If he wants to know what it was for, tell him it's the appetizer for tonight's menu.

4. Pamper his tootsies with a relaxing foot massage. All you need is a warm basin of water, some soap, a towel, and some lotion.

5. Get up a few minutes earlier than usual, brush your teeth, then get back in bed and wake him up with a kiss.

6. Refrain from saying "I told you so." That might be the best gift of all.

7. Handwrite his favorite Bible verse on parchment. After laminating it, surprise him by tucking it into his Bible.

8. Have your guy write down on slips of paper his five favorite things to do. Fold them and place them in a bowl. Let him draw one out and read it—then do it together.

9. Blindfold your husband and "kidnap" him. Take him to a hotel room where you have prepared a romantic tryst.

10. Men view romance differently than women. Ask your husband to describe what's romantic to him. Don't be surprised when his ideas sound very different from yours.

2006-08-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
by Dr. Dave Currie with Glen Hoos

It's a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages: "I feel distant from my spouse." "I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down." "My wife just doesn't seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we're a million miles apart." "I don't know if I love him anymore."

What we're talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.

How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it's a slow slide into complacency, and other times it's a little more sudden. Realize that if it's a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship.

Here are some of the specific, primary causes of emotional distance between mates:

1. UNFORGIVENESS
Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future. Closing off our heart from the other person is an easy way to do this, but it has deadly consequences. Unforgiveness always leads to isolation. Overcoming unforgiveness requires a willingness to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness when we have hurt our spouse, and it also requires that we be willing to graciously extend forgiveness when our spouse has hurt us. This forgiveness step is based on a desire to re-unite.

2. CALLOUS TREATMENT
When I am careless in how I treat my spouse, it gets old really quickly. Whether it's discourteousness, unkindness, or something worse, it creates hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. To avoid this, each partner needs to look at their own behavior regularly and consider whether they are treating their spouse well. A mate, above all people, needs to be treated with gentleness and respect. Remember, your spouse is God's gift to you, and they deserve to be treated as something precious.

3. LACK OF EFFORT
Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so we don't put in as much effort as we once did. We start to take our spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in our lives. When the marriage slips from being one of the top priorities in the heart of one or both spouses, the other person feels abandoned. This causes them to feel unwanted and then to withdraw into their own world.

4. LACK OF TIME
Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing quality "couple times" from our schedules. A marriage relationship cannot thrive if our contact with one another is limited to a quick bite of supper or a brief chat before bed. A good marriage requires weekly face-to-face time - both talk and fun.

5. FEAR OF TALKING THROUGH ISSUES
Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse's reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they've been through this before and it hasn't helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage - how to have a "good fight," as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow.

6. LIVING IN DENIAL
A lot of times, when things have started to go a bit sideways in the relationship, we don't want to admit that it's happening. Often the person truly needing to make some significant changes is most content to deny the existence of any real issues. We kind of live in denial, as if it's not really happening, or it's not that bad, or things will get better in time. But living in denial doesn't fix things; it only causes the marriage to deteriorate to the point where the couple just does not feel close anymore.

WORKING THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL DISTANCE

The first step to dealing with emotional abandonment is to identify the root cause and to begin to deal with it. Don't settle for living in isolation. Ask God for more in your marriage and then trust Him as you faithfully try to make changes. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:

1. AGREE TO TALK
At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you. If you're going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person's concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don't corner your spouse with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.

2. BE PREPARED
Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you'll be discussing. What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your spouse? To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.

3. BE DIRECT BUT GENTLE
Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember: unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don't allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need to work at resolving the problem.

4. BEGIN TO MEET UNMET NEEDS
Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse's needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.

5. DEAL WITH YOUR OWN STUFF
If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can't stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.

6. INTENTIONALLY RE-ENGAGE
If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won't happen by accident and it won't happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It's time to re-enter one another's lives again.

7. ACT KINDLY
This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.

8. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY
Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse's behavior, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other "for better or for worse." And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.

9. ALLOW GOD TO WORK
I'm going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He'll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you'll allow Him to.We've all got issues to work through in our relationships. Whether your problems stem from bitterness, unforgiveness, dishonesty, lack of kindness, unfaithfulness, or something else, God offers you His power to enable you to live in a way that honors Him. There's no doubt in my mind that God wants your marriage to work and that you desire to have warmth and a close connection with your spouse. That's His design. Let's go after it.

Used by permission of FamilyLife Canada. Copyright 2003.

2006-08-14T05:42:00.000-07:00

August 11

Complacency vs. Commitment

Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.
1 Corinthians 10:12

We need to make certain our marriages are divorce proof. Pastor/author Chuck Swindoll asks a great question: "Are there any termites in your troth?" One of those termites could be complacency.

First Corinthians 10:12 offers a formidable warning to the one who thinks this infestation of termites can't reach into his marriage. How many ministers, missionaries and laymen have fallen into affairs and divorce after allowing romantic complacency to settle into their marriages?
We need to resurrect the true meaning of commitment. In this age of lite beer, lite syrup and lite salad dressing, it's no wonder we exhibit lite commitment, too. But for a Christian, commitment is a sacred vow and promise to God. It's two people who hang in there during the best and worst of times and who won't quit. It's a husband and wife who find working through problems much more rewarding than walking out.

We need to pass on to our children the real definition of commitment while continually exposing the lies that their peers and the media propagate. A person who does not understand his or her ultimate accountability to God has little reason to fulfill a vow or commitment to another human being.

There's another type of complacency we need to address: We need to fight for other marriages besides our own. A growing number of Christians, upon hearing of the hurt and anguish of their friends, do not reach for their Bibles, but, instead, hastily offer a parachute and say, "Bail out!" Or they simply sit by, saying and doing nothing. They just let it happen. Hey, I understand. When there's only a slim thread of hope, what are you going to do?

You and I have got to go to the guy who just left his family and tell him it just isn't going to be that easy. He can't just walk out on them. And that woman in our Sunday School class? She can't leave her husband for this other guy and think things will be business as usual. Plead, beg and pray with them. And get them some help.

Discuss: Do you know any couples who are struggling in their marriages? What can you do to encourage them?

Pray: Form a "'til death do us part" bond with your mate. And keep praying with me that God will purge our land of divorce.

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August 12

Entering Lion's Country (Part One)

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

I've been smelling lion's breath recently, and have nearly gagged at its odious smell. Where have I been? On a lion country safari? In Kenya? Sudan? At the zoo? No. None of these.

Let's just say I've been in lion country.

Pastor and author A.W. Tozer made numerous visits there. In fact, he may have lived in lion country. After a particularly difficult time, Tozer noted the following: "But I will tell you something-it is a delightful thing when you know that you are close enough to the adversary that you can hear him roar! Too many Christians never get into 'lion country' at all!"
After pondering Tozer's observation, I've concluded that we should charge headlong into lion country. You see, "lion country" is territory controlled by the devil. It is the daily domain of the ruler of this world.
Lions in Africa prey on weak, unsuspecting animals and those straggling behind the protection of the head of the pack. Likewise, the devil prowls about trying to deceive (devour) those with weak convictions and naive beliefs. For example, if a Christian refuses to submit to the accountability of other believers in the local church, he will find himself isolated, delicious prey for the crafty deceiver. He may not be able to defend himself when he's faced with temptation.
How does a lion devour its prey? One bite at a time. I wonder at times if twentieth-century Christians have been anesthetized by prosperity and busy schedules while the enemy chews off three-quarters of their legs!

Far too many Christians are being fooled by the enemy. They have been deceived into thinking that run-of-the-mill Christianity is all there is. Jesus Christ may be a part of their lives, but He isn't Lord of their lives.

I know, because for more than 14 years I was the prey of the enemy. I thought I knew what was best for me. I wanted God only as my emergency Savior, when I was in a crisis and needed Him. And if you're like I was, the lion has you in his jaws.

Discuss:
When was the last time you took a spiritual safari into lion country?
What areas of your life would you say are controlled by God, and what areas are controlled by the devil?

Pray: Ask God to help you be of sober spirit and be on the alert to schemes of the adversary.

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August 13

Entering Lion's Country (Part Two)
We know that we are of God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.
1 John 5:19

Instead of falling prey to the devil, Christians must be aggressive soldiers recapturing the land for Christ. One goal of our spiritual battle is to prevent our adversary from having any sphere of influence in our lives.

Successful invaders are risk takers. Men and women of faith and action. The victory will go to those who move their faith the 18-inch distance from their heads to their hearts. Many Christians, however, seem to prefer comfort to conflict.

Winston Churchill believed the battlefield is the place where great issues are resolved. And I believe the great issues of our day will only be decided when well-equipped Christians invade lion country. Just as Churchill refused to negotiate until the adversary had capitulated, neither can we afford to give in to temptation or compromise.

As you encroach on the enemy's territory, remember these admonitions from Scripture:
Stand firm and let God's Word be your guide. We have God's assurance that we won't lose the war.(see Eph. 6:14-17).
Pray always and give thanks (see 1 Thess. 5:17,18).
Don't take temptation lightly; flee immorality (see 2 Tim. 2:22).
Walk by faith, not by what you feel and see. God's Word and His promises are either 100 percent true or they are not. Since His Word is true, your faith is the difference. Grab hold of His Word and step out (see 2 Cor. 5:7).

C.T. Studd, a missionary to China, understood the challenge well. He wrote, "Some people want to live within the sound of chapel bells, but I want to run a mission a yard from the gate of hell."
The battle has been tough recently, but I wouldn't trade being in lion country for any of the peace and comfort that depended on compromise.

What about you?

Discuss:
Talk with your mate about enemy territory you want to reclaim as a couple.
Spend some time in prayer asking for God to show you where He wants you to invade.

Pray: Ask Him for wisdom, guidance and power to stand firm in the battle.

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August 14

An Agonizing Decision

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
James 1:5

Our daughter Rebecca was involved in gymnastics, and she was doing well. As her level of skill increased, she was expected to spend more time at the gym. She would train from 4-8:30 P.M., three days a week.

Barbara and I were concerned about the direction this was taking. We realized that, if Rebecca kept moving into higher levels in gymnastics, it would take her away from her family. She was spending more time with her coach than she was with us. And she was fast approaching the turbulent years of adolescence.

While we appreciated gymnastics for the discipline it gave Rebecca, we had other priorities. Ultimately, we felt God was leading us to fortify our relationship with Rebecca before she became a teenager.

The more we prayed the more we realized that, if Rebecca continued in gymnastics, we would not have the time to work with her in areas we considered more important. In a year she would turn 13, and we consider the time just before teen years to be crucial for building character and preparing for the pressures and choices.

After months of agonizing prayer, we decided to pull Rebecca out of gymnastics. While we would not argue with a parent who made an opposite decision, the point I want to make is that we had a vision for the type of woman Rebecca could become-a woman who would walk with God and make an impact for Christ. And we believed that the best place for her to learn and grow and mature was not in a gymnasium but in our home.

As parents, we need to be clear about the character qualities and relationships we are building in our children. Children are a high and holy calling. They are the legacy we leave to the next generation. Neil Postman said, "Our children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." What kind of message are you sending?

Discuss:
What is your vision for the type of people your children will become?
Why not consider listing the qualities you want to see in your children.

Pray: Ask God for His favor as you seek to raise children that will be "living" messages of hope to the next generation

2006-08-14T05:22:00.000-07:00

MYSELF

M y masks please take them off, Lord
Y es,
S earch me and know my heart!
E nable me to
L ive true,
F ree me to express You more! 2x

"Take My Life and Let It Be" tune

=====================================================

WONDERFUL DAY

W alk close with
O ur God,
N ow
D elight,
E njoy;
R ejoice in Him,
F ear nothing;
U nto Him
L et's praise!

D ay and night He's there {2x}
A lways He's by our side,
Y esterday, today and forever!

Theme Song of ME-3, 2006

2006-08-14T05:14:00.000-07:00

MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT

M ake our hearts glow
A gain, Lord!
R ekindle,
R enew our love
I n Christ
A ll is forgiven;
G ive us Your
E ternal bliss!

E ver
N ow
R ejoicing
I n His love.
C hange our
H eart &
M ellow it
E xpect He will
N ever forsake;
T rust Him and give thanks always!

“Joyful, Joyful”
===================================================
MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT

M ade to be one flesh
A s God has designed us;
R emember the covenant that we have made,
R eally
I n Christ
A strong foundation for marriage building!
G iving, forgiving
E ach other as God says!

E nriching our time,
N ow that we are together,
R eady to listen
I n depth
C omitting;
H is Word obeying,
M ake us
E ach day more like Christ;
N one but You
T he King and Ruler of our hearts!

Tune to “Ku Mau Cinta Yesus”

==================================================
RECOMMITMENT

R eally in
E ach heart
C hrist
O nly is Lord;
M aster,
M ake us recommit
I n
T his sacred time:
M ore our love }
E xpress } 2x
N ot to forsake, leave you
T his my promise to you, I will keep!

Tune to “Wonderful Day”

2006-08-14T00:17:00.000-07:00

Quit now, you'll never make it. If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there.
David Zucker

2006-08-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

What Does the Bible Say About Marriage?

From Mary Fairchild,

Marriage is an important issue in the Christian life. Vast numbers of books, magazines and marriage counseling resources are dedicated to the subject of marriage preparation and marriage improvement. A search of Amazon.com turned up more than 20,000 books on overcoming marital problems and improving communication in marriage.
But have you ever wondered what the Bible has to say about marriage? A quick search reveals more than 500 Old and New Testament references to the words "marriage," "married," "husband," and "wife."

Current Status
According to statistical analysis done on various demographic groups, a marriage starting out today has about 41-43% chance of ending in divorce. Research gathered by Glenn T. Stanton, Director of Social Research and Cultural Affairs and Senior Analyst for Marriage and Sexuality at Focus on the Family, reveals that evangelical Christians who regularly attend church divorce at a rate 35% lower than secular couples. Similar trends are seen with active Catholics and active mainline Protestants. In contrast, nominal Christians, who seldom or never attend church, have higher divorce rates than secular couples.

Stanton, who is also the author of Why Marriage Matters: Reasons to Believe in Marriage in Postmodern Society, reports, "Religious commitment, rather than mere religious affiliation, contributes to greater levels of marital success."

If a genuine commitment to Christian faith will result in a stronger marriage, then perhaps the Bible really does have something important to say about the subject.

What Does the Bible Says About Marriage?
Obviously, we can't cover all 500-plus verses, so we'll just look at a few key passages. I hope you will read the selected verses with an open mind, consider the analysis, ask your own questions of the heart, and then come to your own conclusions.

Background
Gen. 2:18, 21-24
The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'...and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (NIV)

Here we see the first wedding. We can conclude from this account in Genesis that marriage is God's idea, designed and instituted by the Creator. In these verses we also discover that at the heart of God's design for marriage is companionship and intimacy.

What Does the Bible Say?
• Marriage was designed for companionship and intimacy.

http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/i/biblemarriage.htm

An Illustration
Eph. 5:23-32
For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.
And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body.
As the Scriptures say, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. (NLT)

The picture of marriage expands into something much broader, with the husband and wife relationship illustrating the relationship between Christ and the church. Husbands are urged to lay down their lives in sacrificial love and protection. And in this safe and cherished embrace of a loving husband, what wife would not be willing to submit to his leadership?

What Does the Bible Say?

• Husbands - love and sacrifice.
• Wives - submit.

Different Yet Equal
1 Peter 3:1-5, 7
In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior.
Don't be concerned about the outward beauty ... You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God ...
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard. (NLT)

Some readers will quit right here. After all, "husbands taking the authoritative lead in marriage" and "wives submitting" are not popular messages in today's world!

But this illustration of marriage typifying the relationship between Christ and the church adds further encouragement for wives to submit to their husbands, even those who don't follow Christ. Although this is a difficult challenge, the verse promises that her godly character and inward beauty will win over her husband more effectively than words.

If we're not careful, we will miss that these verses highlight the equal partnership of husbands and wives in God's gift of new life. Though the husband exercises the role of authority and leadership, and the wife fulfills a role of submission, both are equal heirs in God's kingdom. The roles are different, but equally important.

What Does the Bible Say?
• Wives - demonstrate godly character and quiet inner beauty.
• Husbands - honor their wives and be kind and gentle. • Husands and wives are equal partners.

Outcome
1 Corinthians 7:1-2
... It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. (NIV)

This verse suggests that it is better not to marry. Those in difficult marriages would quickly agree! Throughout history it has been believed that a deeper commitment to spirituality can be achieved through a devoted life of celibacy.

Clearly this verse refers to immorality in sexual relations. In other words, it is better to marry than to be sexually immoral. But if we elaborate the meaning to incorporate all forms of immorality, we could easily include self-centeredness, greed, wanting to control, hatred, and all of the issues that surface when we enter into an intimate relationship.

Could one of the deeper purposes of marriage be to make us confront our own character flaws, the behaviors and attitudes we would never have seen nor faced otherwise? If we allow the challenges of marriage to force us to confront ourselves, we will be applying a spiritual discipline of tremendous value.

What Does the Bible Say?
• Strive to overcome immoral living.

I believe God designed marriage as an instrument to make us more like Christ. In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas asks this question, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" Is it possible that there is something much more profound in the heart of God than simply to make us happy?

Can we lay down our own ambitions to love and serve our spouse? Through marriage we can learn about unconditional love, respectful honor, how to forgive and be forgiven. We can see our shortcomings and grow from that insight. We can develop a servant's heart, and draw closer to God. As a result, true soul happiness can be discovered, and this, I believe is one of God's ultimate desires and purposes for designing the covenant of marriage.

http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/i/biblemarriage_2.htm

2006-08-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

family .:..
An ancient piece of wisdom:
Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord. -Psalm 127:3